Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML
Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML
Today, I hugged a man I thought was my dad at the airport. It wasn't my dad. The man’s actual family stood nearby, watching me cling to their father for a solid 5 seconds. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML
Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML
Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
gabrayal 10
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
OhDearBetrayal 25
He sounds like a lovely father.
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Comments (79)
jacquesromualdez 12
Sound like someones too nervous to see his daughter it gave him diarrhea
reject214 10
Sounds rude and crass. It's my prediction you wont be seeing him too much longer.
jjmiller1001 17
After 5 years you should have just wrote him off and moved on. People aren't that important!
KiddNYC1O 22
You're so warm and inviting!
twisted_cherub 14
I'm with you, Miller. He's supposed to be the adult in that relationship and obviously doesn't want to be in it. Why put yourself through the anxiety of meeting? Then comes the disappointment of finding out what you should've known all along--he doesn't want to be a dad. If he did, he'd have been one all along.
devils101 0
"When you got to go you go to go."
ladyrusso55 4
Classy
jaggerbaby4726 1
Sometimes No Dad, is a good thing. Sorry that happened OP
erinchick1 7
Charming!
cass711 3
well i hope he at least hugged you back....the belch was kinda rude cant really control the rest tuo.
EmberEyes 16
It's hard to hold back jsyk.
kyz_xox 11
Sounds like something my dad would say.