Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML
Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML
Today, I hugged a man I thought was my dad at the airport. It wasn't my dad. The man’s actual family stood nearby, watching me cling to their father for a solid 5 seconds. FML
Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML
Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML
Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
gabrayal 10
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
OhDearBetrayal 25
He sounds like a lovely father.
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Comments (79)
fbear10 5
Well,there's 5 years worth of contacting :) LOL:)
cicpjaky 6
When nature is calling you have to act fast because nature will not wait for you to make a decision wither you will answer or not. He choose to answer that call
Roevera 14
Dafuq did I just read?
erinnrose 9
Aw how emotional
rcgirl2 11
Well I'm sure that he'll talk to you and hug you. But right now he has to go to the bathroom. And there's no telling if it's going to be bad or not.
Sumalum 7
Five years? Didn't you get the hint?
patrickalamo 48
And 5 more till the next visit
fernclogger 5
Reminds me of a bumper sticker I read "I'm only driving fast because I have to poop"
MCRaddict15 15
I'm pretty sure the cops would have a laugh at that one.
geocayce 7
Oh man. I'm sorry OP. I'm sure you were really looking forward to meeting your father and I bet that's definitely not the greeting you were hoping for. He can't control when his stomach is going to act up, but he could've at least hugged you back. I hate to say it, but maybe there's a reason behind his being estranged. Either way, I hope that wasn't a sign as to how your visit will be and that it bears reconnection and a lot of time spent bonding and getting to learn about and get to know each other. Good luck, OP!
larouche362 10
I hate you. But i do like turtles. Are you a turtle? Exactly.
monpetitchevelle 4
Ah father daughter bonding time! gotta cherish those moments
momolee 4
You don't want to hug him too tight . Dad loves you but can't handle your love today.
rockurheart 9
oh shit RUN TO THE CAR NAO!