Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML
Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML
Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML
Today, after I'd asked my brother be my reference for a job, he made up some story about a 9-month contract, then the work was done so they told me not to come anymore. My potential new boss told me how big of a liar I was and how it cost me the job. FML
Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML
Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML
Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML
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Top comments
Thanatos1206 0
Well that's always a plus to have an employee for that.
sheethapins 13
Employee of the Month: Rick Rick is always a hands on guy. He's got a real firm grip on his duties and really knows how to beat the competition. When it comes to Rick he's an explosive guy who pulls his way to the top, he always finishes what he starts, is quick to lend a hand, and never leaves any job unfinished. He's got a satisfying ethic to him and I can honestly say he pleases me. Congratulations Rick.
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Comments (137)
TKrisha_fml 5
Epic Fail!!!! XD
frozenfreeze 5
I praise you for giving him a hand in being hired for the job.
MariJ82 14
Hahahaha! Hand jobs all around!!
VEVO_fml 0
well he's gonna get the job haha
sheethapins 13
Employee of the Month: Rick Rick is always a hands on guy. He's got a real firm grip on his duties and really knows how to beat the competition. When it comes to Rick he's an explosive guy who pulls his way to the top, he always finishes what he starts, is quick to lend a hand, and never leaves any job unfinished. He's got a satisfying ethic to him and I can honestly say he pleases me. Congratulations Rick.
taarna77 6
EPIC WIN!
lilyisfly 0
hahahaha ur awesome!!
kingtz 6
Winx1000!
bibit1990 2
bahahaha!!!! that's actually a great little speech!lol. xD
MollyDollLifee 1
Oh my gosh, what an excellent speech! Lol!
TKrisha_fml 5
Lol that was hilarious
DynamicDave 11
Probably the best thing I've ever read. Your writing abilities could really "come in handy" sometime.
sheethapins 13
Really? Think I might have a "shot" at Rick's job?
johnnie254 7
******* EPIC WIN!!! best we ever read
SwiftFaux 0
must've been hard to let him go.
vegaspowerlifter 0
haha fail bro!!
MacItUp 8
Much like your "professional power lifting" career obviously lol
amadais 1
if that doesnt get him hired i dont know what will
zapp_fml 0
that would be very useful to have at work now wouldn't it
zapp_fml 0
that would be very useful to have at work now wouldn't it