Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML
Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML
Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML
Today, after I'd asked my brother be my reference for a job, he made up some story about a 9-month contract, then the work was done so they told me not to come anymore. My potential new boss told me how big of a liar I was and how it cost me the job. FML
Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML
Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML
Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML
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Top comments
Thanatos1206 0
Well that's always a plus to have an employee for that.
sheethapins 13
Employee of the Month: Rick Rick is always a hands on guy. He's got a real firm grip on his duties and really knows how to beat the competition. When it comes to Rick he's an explosive guy who pulls his way to the top, he always finishes what he starts, is quick to lend a hand, and never leaves any job unfinished. He's got a satisfying ethic to him and I can honestly say he pleases me. Congratulations Rick.
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Comments (137)
tellithowitis 13
wow lol
kyanisaurus 0
oh god my new job in Tokyo is supposed to be checking out my old references from Canada :/ may the lord have mercy
iamfunny 0
aww man if i was that employee id be peeing myself laughing... haha
TylersMB 0
wow .. FAIL
Rico_Mal1116 0
What a beautiful Mercedes you have there.
staceysgenesis16 0
thanks. lol
6joe9 0
man to say that you must have enjoyed hand-jobs from him OP !
urdirtyolduncle 15
Why, where can I find this extraordinary, young man? I hope he's hard-working and dedicated, too, to go along with that great attribute.
kendallwendall 0
sooo what were you thinking about when you were writing this reference? hahaha
dolphincheddar 10
what a dedicated employee!
mexicotoucher 7
How horny were you to completely miss 2 words?
kingtz 6
At least they didn't work at a glass blowing factory...
Drigr 9
and he's gonna get the job cause of you.
ienjoithinqs 0
when I first read it looked like hand job :/ I fail -_-
Jojo08_fml 0
hahah, seriously!
Thanatos1206 0
Well that's always a plus to have an employee for that.
Bakayarou_fml 0
You can almost say: "That's handy!"
strizz18 0
blow jobs are better
manMadeFAIL 7
well op u must like hand jobs!
fmlsaves 0
a quality like that will take him straight to the top! (of someones shaft)
GreenMaze 0
If she's going to be a secretary then that's fine.
EvilPotato 15
wow you can actually hear the awkward.
ever_blossom 1
haha
Calyx_fml 22
Strong hire.
sensoon15 7
maybe they'll hire him for the "job"
UnicornPukePink 0
Secrets out now.....
ciarafox9 9
wow he's not goin to get that job.. or maybe he definitely will? depends on the employer..
WhiteDelight 4
He sounds handy to have around. Is he applying at a hand-lotion store too?
Molord1 0
I see what you did there
noeyolivia 0
your cute
GARCYA23 0
lmao
aussieboy29 0
lol who wouldn't want this dude at your workplace
iAmScrubs 19
He's the guy you'll want in your work if you are looking for a person that will walk around and give all the other employees hand jobs question free.
traze 7
Hey you never know that reference and skill might come in handy?.
fmlsaves 0
first day on the job might get awkward... "you know why I hired you ..(zzzip)"
kittykat1497 7
porno?
kittykat1497 7
porno?
imOaks 3
I see what you did there.
BountyBass 13
handjobs r' us
relyo 0
Now he'll get the job for sure.