Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for six weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in two weeks. FML
Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML
Today, after a year and a half of sticking to my new wife’s “no-sex-before marriage” rule while we dated, she brushed me off while I tried to consummate the marriage. Apparently, she’s not ready to have kids yet and “semen will get the sheets dirty.” Guess I’ll be jerking it on my honeymoon. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, it’s been over 15 months since I’ve had sex with my fiancé. We’re getting married next month. Now I'm wondering if we’ll have sex at all on our honeymoon. FML
Today, on our honeymoon, we’ve only had sex twice. Meanwhile, my husband has masturbated to porn at least once a day since we've got here, and it’s super obvious because he gets sleepy as hell after sex or a wank, while I’m left frustrated with nothing to do except watch Netflix and start drinking before noon. FML
Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML
Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another five days. FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
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Top comments
tounces7 28
Tell him he needs to use some lube next time. That's basically a friction burn.
thatkorean 5
I’m curious as to how big of a wound it is? Because most men I know haven’t let that stop them. And theirs are caused by getting the skin caught in their pant zippers.
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Comments (12)
bloopaloop 27
Lol! But once that heals, sounds like you won’t have to worry about a sexless marriage
thatkorean 5
I’m curious as to how big of a wound it is? Because most men I know haven’t let that stop them. And theirs are caused by getting the skin caught in their pant zippers.
jriley4u 17
Um. Ew. Open wounds are a no go. Any woman that is okay with that has issues.
tounces7 28
Tell him he needs to use some lube next time. That's basically a friction burn.
RichardPencil 32
Annul! (No, I'm not misspelling anal.) If he's into vigorous jerking off while you're newlyweds, it's only going to get worse. Get out now!
Taurus_ChicKa 37
I had the same problem on my wedding night, except my husband couldn't get an erection because his doctor put him on some new medicine with a bad side effect. I'm still mad about it.
jriley4u 17
Tell your new husband that if he’s damaging it, he’s not doing it right. Make it a couples thing show him how to do it without injuring himself.
LGraham 9
Ask for a parcial refund as the goods are damaged.
clair_brodie 35
Unless it's actually painful... Use a condom.
BurnInDemonFire 39
He's lucky he didn't start a fire as well.
Chazzster 32
Unless your husband is 12 or 13 years old, He’s an idiot if he’s injuring himself. Or he’s lying and there is another reason for the injury.