Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML
Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML
Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML
Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "Maybe he left you for someone else." FML
Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML
Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened, I slipped and fell in the shower, and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered, "Well, she's masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!" FML
Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML
Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML
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Top comments
strawberrywine22 30
If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.
ballbearing 10
Your mom is right.
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Comments (94)
perdix 31
For girls, the margin of victory should be "hands in," and for guys, it's "hands on."
ScaryyMary 14
The whole hand?! D:
perdix 31
#23, a finger or two at first, and then see how it goes from there. GOOD LUCK!
akiahara 14
Except fapping generally has to do with the outer bits, so hands down is rather accurate.
perdix 31
#34, not if you want to tickle your G-spot ;)
The_Water_Ninja 9
well technically she wasn't wrong...
XTheDesertSongX 17
Honestly, Adele is the corniest and one of the most annoying female artists to date. Singing her music for a coping mechanism is like salting the wound. That would only make you feel worse.
RaggleFrock 13
Yes she is the MOST annoying artist to date... Not. She's what artists should look up to, I've never seen her posting herself smoking joints on Instagram or flashing her vag everytime she gets out of a car or falling out of a club half pusses out her face. Yeah she's annoying.
ScaryyMary 14
You wouldn't be able to see anything between the thunder thighs anyways.
whostolemylama 12
Confession: I like Adele music. I agree that listening to Adele music is pouring salt onto the wound, but one could argue that it's necessary. Reason being, that some people would want to release all the bad emotions now than later. That or people have a tendency to listen to music upon the way they feel.
Abantiquo 7
Nasty 26. Nasty.
charvisioku 22
I agree with you. I'm not going to say she's not talented; she is. She's very talented. I acknowledge that. But my GOD every song I've heard by her is just her whining about some guy who decided he liked another girl more than her. Get the **** over it and put that voice to good use, woman. Honestly. I had to listen to "Someone Like You" pretty much every day when I was working in summer because we had a radio on but weren't allowed earphones... I swear my brain became the most depressed creature on this planet.
sophiekat 19
It's ok! It's only the start of life you will find the right one soon!
lininnes 6
OP, your mother rocks!!..
Satirical 7
Don't forget beat.
lininnes 6
And here's the another FML: Today, my girlfriend called to break up with me, and her reason is that her mum said 'masturbation beats relationships hands down.' FML
jizzwold 21
Definitely in the top 20 of the most unfunny comments I've seen.
CharresBarkrey 16
Top 5 for me.
gymnast4life77 17
That should trigger the good old gag reflex there hmm? ;)
perdix 31
#1, yes, Mom deserves a hand for that one.
bmrjwj143 2
That sounds a lot like my mum.. I feel your pain!