Today, my girlfriend got a sexy new tattoo as a surprise for me. It’s on her boob in Japanese, next to a pair of sexy lips, and she claims it says "Oral Queen." I'm fluent in Japanese so I wish she'd asked for my help first, because it actually translates to "Mouth Ruler" which is not sexy at all. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend keeps asking me to get her name tattooed on my chest. At first I thought she wanted a romantic gesture, but now she asks me to do it so often, it’s starting to feel more like she wants to cattle brand me as my owner. FML
Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML
Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML
Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML
Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML
Today, my quite squeamish girlfriend came with me to get my latest tattoo. She saw a few drops of blood, screamed in the tattooist's ear, and completely fucked up part of the outline. She had to alter the tattoo drastically to cover up the mess and now it just looks bad. FML
Today, I showed my new tattoo to my friends. It's supposed to be a deep, philosophical quote in Latin, symbolizing strength and resilience. My friend, who happens to be fluent in Latin, started laughing hysterically. Turns out, it actually says, "You are dumb." FML
Today, despite my warnings and knowing I hate them, my wife got a trashy tattoo of an eye on her ankle, like she’s Count Olaf. How is she going to get a job with that thing? FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Maybe a Mouth Ruler is not sexy, but it sure is useful. How else would you know how big your mouth is? The good news for you is while she is reigning on your junk, you most likely won't be seeing the idiomatically incorrect tattoo. You're a little uptight about language. If I was receiving good oral sex, she could throw around a lot of unnecessary literally's, and I'd let it go.
Anderling 33
Honestly that sounds hilarious. Sucks for both of you though and I’m sorry
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Comments (4)
RichardPencil 32
Maybe a Mouth Ruler is not sexy, but it sure is useful. How else would you know how big your mouth is? The good news for you is while she is reigning on your junk, you most likely won't be seeing the idiomatically incorrect tattoo. You're a little uptight about language. If I was receiving good oral sex, she could throw around a lot of unnecessary literally's, and I'd let it go.
Anderling 33
Honestly that sounds hilarious. Sucks for both of you though and I’m sorry
rhenom 6
Well, it sounds like her heart (and mouth) was in the right place.