Legal issues

But I think one thing is clear that both of them are a**hole.

Never said they should have to stay married. In fact, I basically said that if he was going to lie to her and base their relationship on a lie, he never should have married her to begin with.

I really hope this “go apologize” is a joke. Are you new to this site? You want people to comfort you then don’t post on FML. He’s in the wrong place if he wants someone to just agree with him.

I think you are passing hasty judgement. You are assuming the woman necessarily wanted the man to be able to impregnate her (which isn't an healthy assumption in 2017). And you are assuming they had conversations about it and he lied, which is just an assumption. If she'd told him she wanted a child and he lied to her, you might be right (though I personally think the harm she's done to be worse, if only because it means she had unprotected sex, and this can be dangerous to OP's health) but as is, you're reaction seems disproportionate at best...

it's not harassment it's explanation. the guy considers that his life is shit because of what his wife did, and apparently doesn't understand that what he did was pure assholery. has it not occurred to you that his wife may have cheated on him because she was desperate to get pregnant, was still in love with him and suspected he was infertile but wanted to raise a family with him even so? I admit that it would be better to raise her concerns about his supposed infertility with him, but nevertheless, I imagine she went through plenty of heartache because of his lying.

They're both bad people, but anyone who cheats deserves 'heartache'. I'd rather be lied to about my partner's fertility than my partner cheating and having a baby that's not mine. I can admit that OP is certainly an asshole if he had the vasectomy before the relationship and never told his wife, but the vast majority of men who get vasectomies are men who've already had kids and don't want more. So if OP belongs in that category, which is more likely, while he's definitely no saint his lie isn't comparable at all to the wife's. If nothing else, he wasn't the one who broke the marriage vow.

And this is regardless of gender - if a woman got her tubes tied and didn't tell her husband, and her husband (whether as a result of her infertility or whatever other reason) cheated on her and got another woman pregnant, I would view the husband much more harshly than the wife.

I was going to post this too but I assumed that she admitted to cheating when he told her about it. Unless he found out and without saying a word went straight to the judge. Given the way this couple treats each other that wouldn’t be all that surprising.

It's a big thing, so a bit strange to never mention during the duration of a long term relationship IMO

A Vasectomy is a kind of surgical procedure. Regardless of if they didn't want kids, he still should have told her he was doing it. You don't get any kind of surgical procedure done without informing your spouse. There are so many things that can go wrong, even with the safest procedures, that it is insane not to give your partner a heads up. Plus, as someone else pointed out women have been sued by their husbands and lost for not disclosing infertility even in a couple cases where the woman found out she was infertile after getting married. So no matter what he still technically did something wrong. That said, if she cheated, IF she cheated obviously she is scum. The problem with this FML is that they didn't tell us if she actually admitted to cheating or if he took a paternity test, this is important because vasectomy's can and have reversed themselves resulting in pregnant wives. It's entirely possible without a paternity test or admission of guilt, that he is actually divorcing her for getting pregnant with his own child. I admit cheating is likely and again, if she did she is scum but we can't prove she did based on provided information.

Wait so if she said she was on birth control, it gives the man a right to not mention a surgery that he has gotten anyway?

He should have told her and no matter how you slice it they're both shitty people

That's a hell of a lot of "what ifs."

Your premise is he KNEW she was cheating, so he got a vasectomy in order to risk STDS but not pregnany? Yeah.. Sure...

hell hath no fury like a guy who's mad over not being able to control women's fertility 500%

He's trying to control his OWN fertility, by one of only three options afforded to men: condoms, vasectomy, or abstinence. His body, his choice.

His body his choice and he has the right to get a vasectomy. That said, if he is choosing to make himself infertile in a way that takes away the option of having children entirely, as in not just condoms or the like, that is something that should be discussed with his wife. You know why? Other than the fact that it is a surgical procedure and you should inform your spouse of any and all surgical procedures you undergo because no matter how safe the procedure, something can go wrong. By not telling her, he is deciding for her about whether or not she will have children. That's not fair. I'd say the same thing about a woman not informing a man that she's had a hysterectomy or that she's on birth control. It's not fair to take away your partners option to have kids. Disagreeing on wanting a family is actually a valid reason for divorce. If he doesn't and she does, or if She does and he doesn't, better that they divorce based on that understanding than wait until their partner's choice has eaten away at the relationship and helped them hate each other.

"She went out cheating, likely unprotected, then tried to pin the resulting pregnancy on her poor husband." We actually can't prove this based on the evidence provided by the OP. He didn't say that she admitted to cheating, that he had done a paternity test, or that he went to the doctor to verify that his vasectomy took. They can and have reversed themselves resulting in a pregnant wife. Plus, on top of that, they recommend that after a vasectomy you wait something like 8-16 weeks because the first several ejaculations may still contain sperm, which again could result in pregnancy. Does it seem entirely likely that a guy who apparently didn't disclose having a vasectomy waited the full time to ensure that he was actually shooting blanks? If she cheated she's scum but so far we only have the OP saying that his wife got pregnant is proof of cheating but without all the other information, it just isn't. So if she did cheat they are both over all shitty people, but using the given evidence we can actually only prove his bad behavior.

*8-16 weeks before ditching other forms of birth control.

men don't go get secret vasectomies out of spite for no reason. they are both shitty people indeed. I'm just struggling with why everyone has made the leap to attack OP when there's plenty of chance the wife is the cause of this situation. it's very well documented that courts tend to find in favour of women no matter what shitty thing they've done. I'm putting forward other very valid and possible scenarios, in my mind more likley than "secret unjustified spite vasectomy" and obviously everyone has decided I'm a male pig and my thoughts should be attacked too. i can tell none of you are married or parents.

If he simply wanted to avoid getting tricked into making her pregnant, he would wear a condom, The same if he suspected cheating to begin with since vasectomies and the pill and that don't protect against STDs. You are right though, men don't get secret vasectomies for no reason. The problem with your theory is that main reason for secret vasectomies is that he doesn't want kids and she hasn't made up her mind on the subject. The same reason women will sneak the pill. She doesn't want kids, he does. In both those situations they are being shitty human beings by taking the choice of having kids out of the other person's hands. If they don't want kids fine, but tell that to the other person so that they can decide if that is a deal breaker. The best thing may simply be to break up if you have different desires in life. The other thing wrong with your premise. If he suspects cheating, and is filing for divorce, and just doesn't want to risk being saddled with someone else's kid, then why is he still having sex withher at all? Usually by time things have gotten bad enough for the divorce proceedings to start, sex has long since stopped. If your scenario is the case, than he is still just as scummy, actually worse than people have been saying.

Who said he has had sex with her recently? Where did you get that information?

I'm not saying he was or wasn't but in the situation presented by piinksock he would have to be still sleeping with her otherwise how would getting a vasectomy protect him from being landed with someone else's kid. That would literally be covered by pointing out and establishing that they hadn't been having sex and therefore it couldn't be his kid on that merit alone. The only way getting a vasectomy would help you in that kind of situation would be if sex was still being had.

I think that a vasectomy is different in that it's much more effective and much more permanent. You can stop taking the pill any time.

Actually you should be informing your husband if you are taking birth control. For a variety of reasons, The first being that it is medically relevant. If someone asks your husbands what medications or whatever you are on he should be able to inform them that you are on the pill or that you have an iud. Two, birth control medications tend to effect behavior and that. If he doesn't know that you are on them he may not realize that any sudden change in your behavior is a reaction to the birth control. If he doesn't know that he may perceive a problem in the relationship that doesn't actually exist or it could appear that you are losing your mind. The biggest problem with birth control behavior changes is that, much like with mood stabilizers, the person taking the medication rarely realizes it is happening. The Third and most important reason, you should be on the same page about wanting or not wanting children. If you feel like you have to sneak birth control, that would suggest that your partner may want kids. At which point you are behaving selfishly by not simply telling them that you don't want kids. Disagreement on wanting a family is a valid cause for divorce. It is better to divorce while still cordial and knowing that it is because you can't meet each others needs than to wait for resentment to set in. Yes by taking birth control you are making a choice for you and your body and your life, but by not telling someone else that you are taking birth control, you are taking the decision of if they will have kids away from that person. Do what is right for you but let them do what they feel is best for them, which may be not being with you. In regards to the story though, a vasectomy, no matter how supposedly safe, is a surgical procedure. There is no good excuse for undergoing a surgical procedure, with risks, including several that could effect your partner's life, without informing your partner ahead of time.

You should very well be informing your husband when you’re on the pill out of simple respect to each other