Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were changing our newborn son when he peed on her, making me lose it laughing. Less than five seconds later, as I picked him up to clean him off, he did a huge poop, all over my hands, arms, feet, and clothes. Instant Karma. FML
Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML
Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML
Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML
Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML
Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML
Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML
Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML
Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
perdix 31
Even the baby knew you misspelled cantaloupe! It would be great if the vomit stream was bright orange.
CitrusGirl 0
YDI- never insult peoples babies.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (81)
jojobeanz 0
hahahaha ydi
elmorous 0
my aunt called me dork, so i pooped in her shirt pocket. she got pretty mad. she thought, after 37 years, that i should have forgiven her
desichiqa 0
haha...atleast he is trying
Mars_Bars_Big_Na 0
well so are we
wriptidez 0
awwww hes just a baby grow up
antbait11 0
projectile vomit isn't normal.. if the baby does it a lot you've got to think pyloric stenosis.
at0micmin3r 23
HAHAHA I'm sorry... Cantaloupe head??? That's so cute! XP
WillyThaKid 0
Zombie?!!
DalekScythe 0
you insult babies?! douche, karma ****** you up the ass! >.
SleepOnStones 5
This is why I never hold babies. They're the most disgusting creatures ever.