Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML
Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Apparently she stood on top of a table and screamed, “I HAVE SYPHILIS” at the top of her lungs. She’s in kindergarten. Where in the world did she even hear that? FML
Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML
Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML
Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML
Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML
Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML
Today, I had a meeting with my daughter's headmistress, which I thought went well, until I was walking to my car past the open staff room window and I heard her say to other teachers, “Jesus, I can see where that brat [my daughter's name] gets her shitty attitude from… and her fat arse.” They all laughed. FML
TToday, my daughter was hungover, so to teach her a lesson I started banging a pot next to her ear. An hour later, we’re in hospital. She wasn’t hungover; she hadn’t even been drinking. Her migraine was a huge aneurism one sneeze away from bursting and killing her instantly. I’m a terrible dad. FML
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Top comments
rykothechubby 5
That's a 'hard' problem to deal with.
Grand_Cookie 21
Yay! Here come the penis jokes! I just love how original they'll all be.
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Comments (89)
MymB612 14
Really? "an call"? Maybe your daughter isn't the only one who needs to work on her words.
Vegeto30294 19
Really? Chances are you wouldn't have noticed that mistake without analyzing the entire sentence. I know grammar is important and all, but typos exist in the real world, and in a place where it's not a priority, unless the grammar makes it harder to understand the sentence, its not the end of the world and certainly not worth insulting someone for it.
GigaPudding_fml 24
But it hurts my eyes :'(
Warmonger_Smurf 29
I had a boner this big |_________| and Excedrin took it right away.
LanceGoodthrust 19
I'm sure that looks huge on your high-def cinema display, but I'm reading this on my phone
AnonymousAlpaca1 18
What about head-on? Did you apply that directly?
JMichael 26
I want to see the look on her face when she finds out what it really means.
brojo300 5
Its hard to change a childs mind sometimes. Hope you make her realize what she said was a bit dirty for her age.
davek 36
Haha, that one's a classic.
worldclassrager 41
I think you need to talk to her about terms and what they mean or something like that...
AnonymousAlpaca1 18
My mom would never let me live that down. I'm still getting crap about the time I took my dads boxers and tried to wear them as pants when I was two.
sanecatlady 13
Awww, she had a headache? Maybe it was a migraine. Kids can get them too, you know.
pam241 15
How old is your daughter? Who would let their kid get away with that
SunTzu2 9
Maybe when tomorrow is tomorrow it'll be gonnaway