Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up, and attacked my face. FML
Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML
Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML
Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML
Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML
Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML
Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML
Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML
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Top comments
jakenherman 0
okay, 1. you try to impress your boyfriends parents by.. talking.. to a .. bird? wow... 2. Did the bird rip open the cage, or did you open the door and shove you head in? your life is pretty f***ed
thequeenofscots 0
I just have to say, it makes me laugh really hard that the advert on the side of this page is for some fancy parrot cage.
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Comments (71)
neonoodle 0
that parrot's name was Oswald Cobbelpot
kamikaze_fml 0
Well how gigantic is your nose that it accidentally stuck through the bars of the cage?
meow_meow_fml 0
she did not state the bird was in the cage, it could be on a branch they hang or standing on a couch or a stand idiots
Cloudy_fml 0
Why would you think that talking to a bird would impress them anyway!? O_o
Amkii 0
.....how does talking to a pet bird impress someone? Did you also wave hello to his dog and toss a toy to his cat to prove you weren't afraid of them? Ooh, that'd impress me any day! In short: you deserved it. Sorry you were hospitalized, though.
kirches 0
This is one of my fears. God, I hate birds.
your_face 15
#39, you need to learn to recognize sarcasm.
DULMAGE 0
LOL you're lucky it wasn't your eye...my half-sister had a little cat named Dutchy and he hated me. One time he scratched my face, about 2 centimeters below my left eye....Evil little kitty
Superman8_fml 0
Raise your hand if you would be impressed by someone talking to a bird...yeah, that's what i figured.
3clipse 0
...the hell were you doing talking to a parrot? If someone did that in my house, I'd think they were daft.