Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML
Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML
Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML
Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML
Today, I had to go hands-on at work, while choking on mace, with a man who was mentally disturbed. It could have been avoided, if my supervisor had been less concerned with asserting dominance, and instead let the guy get a grip on the situation. Great use of my college degrees. FML
Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML
Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML
Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML
Today, I met a new guy at work who wouldn't stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six-hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me that he was her husband. FML
Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML
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Top comments
buckdharma 38
A proper technique might be to tie him up so he can't get away.
tpm45 25
Might I suggest online dating?
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Comments (63)
BeingComplex 3
Well that's interesting.
Dracoboxer357 36
1- Only in the most remote, saddest way possible. :( Makes me want to give Op a hug, no matter how much she may enjoy it more than me.
negb 30
If women were as obvious when they're turned on as men are, you might regret that hug.
thatghostdude 9
Your sick and you need a man.
kyu_Q 19
You should try online dating. I have been there op. sitting on the crowded trains so that I can get some physical contact.
ghil15 8
well idk what to say.... just wanna be the first lol
DaDezza244 31
#2, how about you don't comment until you have something to say. That would be appreciated thanks.
tpm45 25
Might I suggest online dating?
brinnablaine 22
I agree. You may be surprised how many options you have once you start looking. Good luck, OP. :)
summerguy97 16
Or conjugal visits with your prison pen pal.
Shrouds 14
McStabby Murderface seems like a friendly guy.
Bcfrmkc816 17
Heck I can't even get that
ElizaZee 9
Trying to think of something clever to say... It's not working.
carleybeak 21
Then don't comment anything
jw90 18
@26-but, but...ok :(
ThatFancyPenn 18
This isn't iFunny.
shy_and_bubbly 6
Makes me think of Olivia Newton Johns lets get physical song lmfao
SimplyBird 9
No. Just no...
billonator117 1
Its time to stop commenting for today
pdp_fml 21
If you were attracted to him, did you ask him out yet?
magiczebra 9
Yeah, because dating your COWORKER is always the best idea.
dingleberrysteve 6
dating your coworker is zeh best idea
Mossears133 15
It doesn't even say that she likes the coworker, just the physical contact.
buckdharma 38
A proper technique might be to tie him up so he can't get away.
WhiteCrimson 23
Shame OP. Make a plan to get some contact. It can't be good for a lady not to be touched.
Random017 7
This reads like the start of a trashy romance novel.
Beepbeep7 14
I hope you have a good vibrator.
Dracoboxer357 36
Have this urge to repeat a bad quote; "Sex is like bridge.....if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." ;p In this case, it's more like Solitaire though.... :p
Duh_0811 17
Maybe she has a good vibrator and that's the problem. She has grown accustomed to being alone.
MissMae93 23
33 - You're obviously a dude if that's the sort of mindset you have. Nothing beats the real thing.