Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I taught my 18 month-old daughter to wipe the green, snotty mucus from under her nose with a tissue. To which, like a ninja, she then wiped my open-mouthed upper lip with that same snotty tissue. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML
Today, my 2 year-old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML
Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML
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Top comments
clownman 0
shouldve played dead and waited for daddy to get home. you dead and your daughter has blood on her hands - that would freak the crap out of him!
aback 5
Better work on your reaction time. Next, she's going for an eye. "Aw-w...she's got her mommy's eyes. No, really!"
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Comments (100)
michaelscott69 0
ydi for not wearing a condom
skitzz 0
if your going to complain about having a kid then don't have kids. CONDOMS, ever hear of them? no one wants to hear you bitch about something that's basically your own fault.
redhedsaysrawr 18
you obviously dont have kids. or siblings. or parents. so **** off.
persimmon 0
spank that baby!!! bad baby!
misterJ_fml 0
ooowwww. must have hurt. I laugh
Hunts160 5
punch that bastard in the nose making it bleed and say im srry how does it feel?
citrusglass 22
A six-month-old? What the hell is wrong with you, not only did OP's daughter not understand what she did, but she's very delicate. You should be ashamed of yourself for even suggesting that.
jhashj 0
My daughter did the same to me! Glad I'm not the only one
citrusglass 22
Ah, the joys of parenting.