Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
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Top comments
Britttx26 0
You got yourself a winnnner!:)
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
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Comments (399)
dlryan97 1
Awww little dump baby :)
PunkSk8ter 0
Are you a guy or girl ....
Levvy 22
You might want to consider that it is impossible to tell the tone of his reaction from this post alone. It could have been excitement, shock, dismay, or confusion. One word and some punctuation is a pretty thin justification for your admonishment.
Levvy 22
Self-blank of double post. Comments were lagged apparently.
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
almighty_zer 5
Lol. Best comment.
TheNewGuy03 29
Thanks for making me cackle like the two hyenas from The Lion King.
GDIalex 11
#266 *thumbs up for the reference to Lion King* *thumbs down for cackling like hyena* finally, the result is neutral for you.
teentee401 37
There were three hyenas
Bloodlvst 11
How many courics did it weigh? (Bonus if you get the reference)
hombrepollo 0
I wonder if his girlfriend is Bono
Prankster7o7 5
I will never be number 2!
i_did_that 0
Bonus claimed
i_did_that 0
1 couric = 2.5 pounds of fecal matter
james496_fml 0
south park
skyttlz 32
Juno
ThePokemonMaster 5
Hot! Hot! Hot!
PennyLane27 32
"Does Bono want a bitty?"
BRAINSOVERLOOKS 0
Hahaha love this one sp :) 25 courics
DjeePee 25
So, what is the FML? That she isn't boring as shit or that you doesn't have a baby with someone you barely know?
doctor_awesome 8
*don't
NagatoPain 4
You love to talk alot dont you? Go write a one page essay on another comment like yesterday!
ramband2009 0
Gotta love a sense of humor! Gotta say that made me giggle.
fricknugget 3
hehe giggle.
bear815 0
That sir, is what we in the field call a keeper.
megggganr 2
hey , dont feel bad , just because your kids a stinker doesn't mean you're shitty parents !
Scar_loves_you 0
^^^win
mileyfan17 8
Awww thats cute at least she has a sense of humor.
bubblekitty 1
At least your baby is not gonna cry
Hannah_grace1414 12
...but girls don't poop ?
RetardedPelican 0
Wow, your 15 and your really thattt stupid?
worldcupcheer17 0
wow you're 14 and that dumb?
YdoIhaveAchode 4
Wow 101, you're dumb.
Frenchtony 17
Or, do they ?
oops_im_fucked 8
They don't, don't worry.
rebekahah 7
Yeah we don't.
Hannah_grace1414 12
#101.copied.my."about.me."on.my.profile....creepyy?..sorry.spacebar.isn't.working.haha(;
EMILYSLIFE12333 0
We don't...
ohSNAPyall 27
When I grow up, I want to live on a pedestal.