Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML
Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML
Today, my mom is becoming a Wiccan, at least that’s the lie I told the neighbours when they demanded to know why my mom was smoking weed naked, waving charms around, and dancing amongst our trees. I actually have no idea what she was doing, and when she sobered up, she had no idea why she did it either. FML
Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML
Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML
Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML
Today, I found out why my mother has treated me like dogshit since the day I was born. I was apparently born during a solar eclipse, which in her twisted mind meant I was born evil, with a black soul. I train dogs for blind people, yet she insists I must have a sinister motive even for that. FML
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Top comments
PenguinPal3017 19
Have you touched a crucifix to see if it burns you?
ThatGuy9679 13
Makes me miss the good old days when babies were delivered on the front porch by Storks
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Comments (34)
QueenAfrodite 8
Blinking just blinking
Neminess 10
Yeah, except the Horned God has nothing to do with satanism. If she was involved in a satanic ritual, then she "f**ked satan/satan's" representatives. Buut yes, it does suck to be you in a way. Hope you do well.
IHaveThePower 18
Yeah, I think that might've been another way of saying your mom dropped acid, because those words have absolutely nothing to do with each other.