Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML
Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML
Today, my mom is becoming a Wiccan, at least that’s the lie I told the neighbours when they demanded to know why my mom was smoking weed naked, waving charms around, and dancing amongst our trees. I actually have no idea what she was doing, and when she sobered up, she had no idea why she did it either. FML
Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML
Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML
Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML
Today, I found out why my mother has treated me like dogshit since the day I was born. I was apparently born during a solar eclipse, which in her twisted mind meant I was born evil, with a black soul. I train dogs for blind people, yet she insists I must have a sinister motive even for that. FML
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Top comments
PenguinPal3017 19
Have you touched a crucifix to see if it burns you?
ThatGuy9679 13
Makes me miss the good old days when babies were delivered on the front porch by Storks
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Comments (34)
boopingsnoot 25
Looks like somebody forgot to have a Safe And Sober prom night
ARISKomuniszt 24
Everyone, it's not Satanism! The Horned God and Moon Goddess are actually the deities of a legit English neopagan religion called "Wicca". It has often been wrongfully mistaken for black magic cults and has unfortunately suffered prejudice in particular in Christian countries. Let's remember to respect it as a religious belief!
Ishvah 15
Wrong, the Horned God is based off Moloch. A horned Canaanite God to whom the ancient Canaanites sacrificed babies.
ARISKomuniszt 24
Well, it's also a Wiccan thing.
Surewhatever 36
I think OP knows this, but chose "Satanic" for impact and humor reasons. I say good job.
circuitboynm 8
“Bring me another lover!”
BLARGTEHTACO 20
What do you mean fml? that's awesome. wish I could be that in touch with Satan.
JudgeComrade 17
Best. Origin story. Ever.
Davros 12
"honour". If that's a religion in England then what the hell were our founding fathers practicing that they felt they needed to start a new country to get away with it in?
Fhd32 6
That is definitely the opposite of an fml
kirstennoel101 8
Sounds like a darker version of mama Mia
Magic-turtle85 11
And how exactly did this come up in conversation ? certainly wasn't talked about during breakfast lol
Nonibird 6
Did your mom also not know that the Horned God and Satan are from two completely different religions? Helluva party.