Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML
Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML
Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML
Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML
Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML
Today, I was dissecting a pig for my anatomy class. The smell of four day-old dead pig caused me to faint. My mom drove me home and warmed me up some left overs for lunch. It was pork chops. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because, "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML
Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML
Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML
Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML
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Top comments
BoxFullOfLazy 25
People need to learn to mind their own business.
jeffprobs 29
That's because it was funny, yes it's rude and I'm sorry it happened to you. But it's like a fall, it hurts the person who falls but it is still funny. If you were a comedian and you told me this happened to you, you would expect laughter.
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Comments (57)
bellydancer82 15
Awwww sorry OP, whoever said that is an asshole. As for your wife, maybe you should have a talk with her and tell her that laughing at that jerks joke upset you. Don't let people like that bring you down!
Shade1982 21
OP could also take the disguised laughter as a hint.
ChiefKoala 30
And you could take all the downvotes you've received as a hint as well I suppose hmm?
Mortoli 30
actually complaining about that would be pointless to her even possible to lose said wife just saying. as for the asshole i hope he steps on a lego with a nail runnin through it just saying
BoxFullOfLazy 25
People need to learn to mind their own business.
cheshireau 26
People also need to learn to keep their mouths shut. If you don't have anything nice to say..
anyagrande 31
People need to learn that they're paying companies to slaughter millions of sentient beings :)))))
tarlax 11
Oh, we already know, #37. What you don't seem to know is that people who think differently from you are not automatically ignorant or badly educated, and that you're nowhere near as morally superior to everyone else as you think.
anyagrande 31
I am not morally superior, it's just that many people are very ignorant about their food and where it comes from, and if they put just the smallest ounce of effort into researching it, then maybe they would see that their diet is destroying the planet, and i think that everyone is a good person, they are just misinformed about the food industry
anyagrande 31
Its not an option of you eat what you want, i'll eat what i want- animal agriculture is destroying the planet- 91% of Amazon rainforest destruction is due to it, 1/3 of the worlds fresh water goes to it, and it is the leading cause of species extinction. It causes 51% of all global greenhouse gas emissions. In 2040, water will be the most fought over resource in the world. I don't know about you, but i don't want my child growing up where there are wars and people dying over fresh water, and where we have eaten the planet to death. Your diet is affecting so much more than just you, and your efforts to recycle, use less paper, support WWF to stop poachers is absolutely pointless, if you are supporting the animal agricultural industry. Its not a case of choice to give up meat and dairy, its a case of needing to give up meat and dairy, for future generations.
J352SAURUS 30
Oh, shove off.
Frillwee95 12
Yea, eat dairy all you want, it ain't hurtin no damn rain forests...
tonyfan00 38
I would've laughed too, TBH. At least your wife tried to not make it obvious. Still, FYL.
fazzems 21
I'm calling fake on this one, js
jeffprobs 29
That's because it was funny, yes it's rude and I'm sorry it happened to you. But it's like a fall, it hurts the person who falls but it is still funny. If you were a comedian and you told me this happened to you, you would expect laughter.
GroupWorkSucks 15
Location is New York. Yup, this FML checks out.
Tripartita 45
I think you missed a great opportunity to lock eyes with that person, look terrified and angry, then oink ferociously, jumping from leg to leg. If at all possible, generating a lot of spittle in the process would only help.
Death69 24
My reaction would've been to smash the joker's face in. And then laugh with my wife. After the laughter subsides, quietly tell her: "I still want the ******* pork chops!"
deathstroke990 22
enjoy jail
Death69 24
No jail. It was self defense. He assaulted me with his bad breath while slandering my good name.
Shade1982 21
Yeah, that's not how self defense works...
ThrottleJockey 36
Enjoy squealing like a pig while you're in jail. They'll be busting your chops.
Death69 24
There will be no jail time. Get a ******* sense of humour people. It was ALL a joke. I wouldn't punch the jokester(even though their rude ass deserves it), but they would get a retort from me. And it wouldn't be a nice one. And I would still want the ******* pork-chops! ???
XxfrenchyyXx 12
We do have a sense of humor. You're just not funny.
Death69 24
I see no sense of humour. I see whiny little babies who probably think Trump is a Goddamn genius! SMH. ?
8djht8 19
Heed the wisdom of Death69
drayloon 50
That's not how self defense works unless you're a cop. Also sometimes called a pig. Hmm...
biopilot17 9
Sorry but if that's the comment he made them maybe 1. ******* deal with it cuz ur in America and 2. Go work out
ezrocks4u 29
Just tell him that you like it because it tastes like "long pig".