Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I have an awful stomach virus. I can only drink liquids and can't eat anything solid, especially anything spicy. My dad forced me to eat the fajitas he'd made for dinner and screamed at me when I told him I couldn't, then screamed at me again for "wasting food" when I predictably threw up all over the floor. FML
Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying, "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML
Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, my dad insisted on taking us to a local buffet that is known for bad food and botulism. He kept piling things onto a plate for me, despite my objections. A waitress commented on how much was on my plate. I told her I wasn't hungry, and it was my dad's doing. Her response, "Your skinny self needs to eat." FML
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML
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Top comments
laurenlovesjb 20
I was recently on a 2-week Europe tour with my Rotary Exchange District and got food poisoning the first day. Our trip chaperone kept making pregnancy jokes at me the whole time on our way to the doctor's. I know your pain. Also, we practically lived on a bus...
JustinKirby 20
Make a complaint to the restaurant that their food made you sick, hopefully they don't just try to give you a new meal free ending you up in the same situation.
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Comments (92)
Bloink 25
All FML commenters can relate to this
foxwasalamb 24
i can?
Bloink 25
because people seem to hate the "shitty situation" jokes
lil_miss_simran 15
Lol ignore him. Get well soon
A_Twerking_Koala 9
Your dad has some real shitty jokes.
SmittyJA24 26
We're running out of good ones? No! Go dookie it out with your dad.
weveallbeenthere 30
that is a shitty attitude. He helped bring you into this world.
ZoroMiHawk 25
You made an FML expecting sympathetic comments. Much misled.
xx_alexmagm_xx 12
It's his mouth you want to remove, not his eyes, just saying
BaglMinionz 8
But everyone knows you must destroy it at the source. Just a little heads up OP, The fastest way to the brain, is through the nose. If you already have the spoon with you could have your little mummification ceremony.
TheDrifter 24
Your dad is the "shitty situation" guy? Damn that's one... fecally abundant circumstance.
itwasthedognotme 14
Make sure it's not with a steak knife like the earlier FML...
RedPillSucks 33
Does your dad constantly post "That's a shituation" on FML?