Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I have an awful stomach virus. I can only drink liquids and can't eat anything solid, especially anything spicy. My dad forced me to eat the fajitas he'd made for dinner and screamed at me when I told him I couldn't, then screamed at me again for "wasting food" when I predictably threw up all over the floor. FML
Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying, "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML
Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, my dad insisted on taking us to a local buffet that is known for bad food and botulism. He kept piling things onto a plate for me, despite my objections. A waitress commented on how much was on my plate. I told her I wasn't hungry, and it was my dad's doing. Her response, "Your skinny self needs to eat." FML
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML
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Top comments
laurenlovesjb 20
I was recently on a 2-week Europe tour with my Rotary Exchange District and got food poisoning the first day. Our trip chaperone kept making pregnancy jokes at me the whole time on our way to the doctor's. I know your pain. Also, we practically lived on a bus...
JustinKirby 20
Make a complaint to the restaurant that their food made you sick, hopefully they don't just try to give you a new meal free ending you up in the same situation.
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Comments (92)
RinzeN87 1
Oh come on, your dad's just doing that for ***** and giggles!
NodakN8V 25
Peter Griffin: *toilet flush* Shit House
Ariana_Grande_fml 8
U got a pretty shitty dad. Where did u eat?
WMFG16 14
God's last name isn't damn.. You disrespectful douche.
VanOBrien 14
I have a very sensitive digestive system and my friends and family take great joy in insulting or giving me a difficult time about it. Instead of suffering with it, any time I knew I'd have a horrendous odor coming on, I'd pause by their chair until the last possible moment - then. let it explode before running to the bathroom to do my business. Enough times of making everyone lose their appetite and they finally got the hint.
people_annoy_me 23
Or stab him in the eye with a butter knife
people_annoy_me 23
Divergent reference - sorry if you don't get it
CzarLaval 9
Common everyones like " ohhh fml my loved ones are making fun of me" i mean really its just a joke, least your family has a sense of humor.
cheshireau 26
Dad's are terrible! I had to borrow money for tablets to stop Gastro once. Come pay day, asked for the money for my 'shit tablets' in the middle of the shops. You just shake your head at them.
Alexhamm33 5
Tell your dad to stop giving you so much, "crap." Get it, anyone
WMFG16 14
God's last name isn't damn...