Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML
Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML
Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML
Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML
Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML
Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML
Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML
Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML
Today, while in line at the grocery store, I was going over the witty but caustic things I wish I'd said in an argument earlier. Turns out, I was saying them out loud. The cashier gave me a weird look and said, “Are you okay, ma'am?” FML
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Top comments
Doortje 30
Well, acknowledging you have a problem is the first step..
FunnyGuy5051 7
I think they thought you were more drunk than pathetic
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Comments (41)
TNBW74 2
drink up...
enoughgrace 4
Were you in Egypt?
DocBastard 40
No, what really screams "pathetic loser" is calling yourself gayboii, typing like a freaking crackhead, and expecting people to take you seriously.
FMLsOhilarious 6
Haha wow...you are a pathetic loser.
CrazyManNo9 29
The voices in my head are telling me not to talk to you....
nerdsgetmehot 23
Maybe you should seek help, OP. If you're an admitted alcoholic, you know you have a problem; now it's time to fix it.
ReynshineCutting 10
Don't worry OP. Most people argue with themselves sometimes. I argue with myself over food sometimes. It doesn't make you pathetic. It's hard to control your desires sometimes. Maybe talk to a therapist or someone that could help you. It seems to me it's easier to fall off the AA wagon than it is with a therapist.
kaylynn732 0
Have a serious chat with those voices in your head, ask if you guys need help.
megan061282 0
do you not realize, you belittled her and embarrassed her by making fun of a serious suggestion?? no sex for a while buddy!
alaskasfml 0
^i hate it when i belittle my split personalities and my alcohol. i never get anything after that. :(
megan061282 0
woops! comment above was for another fml lol!