Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's one year old. FML
Today, at work as a groomer's assistant, my boss said something that I didn't catch as I went to take a leash off a dog. I looked at my boss and said, "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML
Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML
Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, who said she was too busy to talk to me. When my sister asked her who was on the phone, she replied, "The dog sitter." FML
Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML
Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML
Today, I saw a woman breastfeeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years-old. FML
Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that, "It's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML
Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML
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Top comments
DrDilllonReese 12
She's an oompa loompa
skata 4
how do you screw that up?
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Comments (117)
DrDilllonReese 12
She's an oompa loompa
13FTW 9
I think she was a Chuck Norris child.
chiddy_bang71 0
She's not an oompa loompa. She from Brittish Colombia, not willy wonkas chocolate factory or the cast of jersey shore.
DrDilllonReese 12
Clearly a joke.
norskchic 9
hell no. she is a poodle of course.
norskchic 9
hell no. she is a poodle of course.
Miss_Attitude96 24
Clearly people nowadays don't recognize a joke when they see one. I understood it & thought it was hilarious. Lol
13FTW 9
27, I agree completely. 22 has no sense of humor.
norskchic 9
I agree as well 27. get a sense of humor.
Miss_Attitude96 24
Maybe 22 had a stick shoved up their ass... Or ate insanely spicy chili. No excuse to be a douche.
LiveLaughFML 10
imagine if the parents responded saying "she's a shih zhu mixed with a maltese." x]
norskchic 9
49 that's what breed my dog is.
MagicGiraffe 12
I think 22 is an Oompa Loompa and is just sensitive about his race ;)
chingaso 0
49(livelaughFML) Is the description on you profile the lyrics to some SPM song
TurtlesOnFire 0
No, it's just Chuck Testa.
chingaso 0
Is that guy chuck testa also referring to sangria as purple drank?
Marcella1016 32
You guys do realize 22 was making a joke too, right? I believe they were referring to Snooki, from Jersey Shore, who has been compared to an Oompa Loompa. Looks like it's you guys who can't take a joke lol
chingaso 0
By the way who the **** is chuck testa
Miss_Attitude96 24
Well, clearly that joke sucked. & I'm pretty sure everyone knew that 22 was referring to some overly-tan Jersey Shore cast member.
Miss_Attitude96 24
Hey! I found Willie Wonka, 1! He's 34: NEEPLES! Someone should tell him an oompa loompa is missing. Lol
dontpanic_fml 32
Oh yes, clearly it did Miss_Attitude, since you didn't get it. You were pathetically guilty of what you accused 22 of, and don't pretend otherwise please haha
Miss_Attitude96 24
Well, 86, I did get it. I just didn't think it was too funny cuz I don't watch Jersey Shore. I have better things to do than watch trash on TV. Let alone, I barely have time to watch TV.
You_Need_Soap 6
Better things like read FML?
You_Need_Soap 6
Better like... reading FML?
NeonBluee 8
22 - It's spelt British Columbia.
jake1632 9
penis
suckmysarcasm 10
no if she was chuck norris's child the op wouldnt be alive to post this
SystemofaBlink41 27
Wet dreams.
13FTW 9
The random comment thing was cool the first time, don't continue to do so or you will more than likely be buried.
FailedAtWinning 7
Mine is a veloceraptor mixed with a kangaroo and a big mac
nalia18 8
Hmmmph... Did she bark???
aardvarkish 17
I think 26 is funny
Eaglestrike117 29
Fudgenutting hilarious.
skata 4
how do you screw that up?
m0tl3ycru3 0
Obviously she's not human
margie2194 12
Someone obviously didn't get any tips.
EvilPotato 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
47 next time before you try, key word try, to fix someone else's grammar make sure yours is correct first. You said 'he' your first line and 'she' the second line, unless OP is a he/she i'd suggest you fix your comment first.
NeatNit 33
119 - 1. He already "fixed" that typo. 2. What are you talking about? He wasn't fixing anyone's grammar!!
Belovan 2
119 he was not correcting a grammar mistake, 47 was providing another reason, and if you read his next comment, he fixes it.
Belovan 2
Dangit 123 you beat me to it!
EvilPotato 15
...Right I knew that...
EnterNameHere001 5
No you didn't.
punkin_26 16
Thumbs up for effort Belovan. I hate it when that happens.
CaroAurelia 12
Eh, some pretty asinine stuff comes out of people's mouths sometimes. I've never said anything like that, but I've said some doozies.
Studious_Gluteus 20
Probably a reflex from cooing over people's dogs.
calliallialli 0
Sounds like you live in a dog eat dog world
danielreader22 4
Sounds like you fail.
laden_swallow09 35
Boo
cloverpi314 4
Awwww :(
MrKlutch 1
Shitzoo
kona314 1
... How?
iliketurdles 7
Autocorrect.
NKG7896 3
Its pretty much the same thing :)
rmbennin 10
"I am soooo sorry. Gotta hate auto correct, lol!" "You're standing right in front of me..."
cyrusyoman 5
she is a caucasian two year old, straight from kansas
YaboyVinnie 21
Did the girl start eating your brains after you asked that?
fuckhaley 7
That's not funny, bro. Try harder.
thisisafunnyname 12
thats wrong. just not funny at all. my uncle had his brains eaten out by a young girl in a situation very similar to this
AllThatHit 7
walking dead, anyone?
ipodlover1995 0
Weeeell, she's part human and part golden retriever.
moonmonkeyman 6
Girls with hot profile pictures post here ;)
ipodlover1995 0
...you must be thinking of someone besides me...
HomeAl0ne 20
with just a dash of peanut butter.
iFizzgig 11
Half man half bear half pig
washingtongirl 8
Awkward.
Snafuusmc 12
Homosapian?
Lstands4LOSER 0
10 - **** Erectus.
rattusrattus 19
**** habilis. "Handy man". **** erectus. "Upright man". It's like they WANT us to make crude jokes...
azurewave 6
She's not a **** Sapien. :P neither are you.
white16sox 19
97 cool story bro.