Chill out

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, I had to take my life into my hands and tell my wife that when she was yelling at me earlier, she was yelling at me in her own language, which I’m still not fluent in, so whatever it was that upset her, I still haven’t fixed it because I didn’t understand the instructions. FML

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

Why so serious?

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

Today, things got so bad with my mother-in-law that I seriously considered faking my entire family's deaths to escape it all. FML

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML