Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
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Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
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Comments (202)
ImTheAlpha 30
Why is everybody hating on the guy for trying to suck himself?
BigSexy123 11
Christ, you people are judgmental pricks. So he tried something you find off-putting. Is it against the law? No. Does it violate human rights? No. It was an experiment he tried that just didn't work out. Like you people have never done anything that others may frown upon. Screw you.
insomniac8400 13
there is no way in which you did not deserve this.
day624 14
Im dying of laughter over here!!!!!!
bri623 9
Dude that's raunchy
moe1982 2
You are a sick man!
dantee2005 33
Why don't people lock door when they do some crazy shit. And I'm gonna ignore sucking urself part
thatguynamedsky 32
so... could you do it?
kandifantasy 5
safe to say the wrong head got attention
Iris_River 15
So.. You ask your mom to never bring it up... Aaaand now it's on FML... Where everyone on here can see it.. That's worse than having your mom bring it up again.