Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
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Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
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Comments (202)
courk94 6
Are you really serious ? 8-O Why would you do that in the first place ?! WTF ?
courk94 6
Is your sex life so sad to the extend that you have to blow yourself ?? SICKO !!
Revelati0nz 3
let me get this straight...you ask your mom to never speak of it again, but then you proceed to post it on the internet?? you're a ******* idiot...
Ressamies 6
I once tried if i could do it (I din't actually suck it, but I checked if I could, if I wanted to) and it seems I could do it if I wanted to, but lol, it would just be weird to suck your own dick.
chas15fire 0
Yeah he did. My friends brother did that.
ccspanthers89 4
Did it work?
porreboii 0
Ur so gay
Irakli_1 27
YOU totally deserved it you ******* freak. That's a ******* wrong thing to do ******* anomalistii-like-ass-hole.
kdh2329 1
1) You can't count 2) You can't count 3) You can't count 4) You can't count 5) YOU FAILED 6) Learn how to count
ArielTheMermaid 17
Lol wtf?