Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML
Today, both toilets in my house were occupied, so I had to shit outside. FML
Today, as I was walking to go look at Christmas lights in my neighborhood, I really had to go number two. I called my dad to come and pick me up. I couldn’t hold it in much longer, so I took a crap in the sewer in the street. FML
Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML
Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I took a dump at work. When I went to flush the toilet, it clogged and began to overflow. I left the bathroom as it was and as I walked out, my boss came in. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
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Top comments
hard_candy 25
you could have just stopped at a store or fast food joint.
supernerd95 17
i don't know man. ... that was some serious shit
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Comments (83)
hard_candy 25
you could have just stopped at a store or fast food joint.
pinkster2014 25
Yeah, but no one likes to take a dump in public restrooms. Even in these circumstances xD Plus, he was "dying" to take a dump so maybe he couldn't wait any further to use the bathroom by going to a store.
hard_candy 25
I don't either, but if I were "bursting" to go, I'd have gone for it. I bet OP wished he did too since it beats taking a dump caveman style.
randompizzaguy 17
I agree with #11 I once had to use the woman's restroom in a gas station during a road trip. The looks I got as I walked out haunt me to this day.
Just_A_Tree 20
#14: Are you saying I'm worse than a public restroom?
ShadowlessSpear 21
#22 Yes.
Kush_BabY 7
He right , no one wants to use a nasty toilet :/
incoherentrmblr 22
Well, at least you've fertilized the lawn. Scott from Scott's Lawn care is happy that you fed your lawn with your own type of Miracle-Gro. Feed your lawn. Feed it!...
ahippienamedrae 10
#11, you gotta do what you gotta do.
brenton490 19
That moment when the creepy neighbor asks if he can have it for his lawn....
james_logan 19
or you could have gone to your neighbour's
supernerd95 17
i don't know man. ... that was some serious shit
MeanBeagle 22
we know which tree is gonna be the biggest this year
Adeptus_Astartes 22
... or dead.
Nexpecto 28
in the end we're all just animals. everyone knows whose yard it is now!
Kiki242 19
Oh my goodness. This was one of the few FMLs that legitimately made me lol. Did you use leaves to wipe???
devildog562 33
Socks were sacrificed and had a proper funeral under the backyard tree.
dgameseeker 12
When you go to the bathroom and have no toilet paper, be a man and use your hand!
Nexpecto 28
#27 Best place to plant a rose bush!
Khaleesi_26 30
#33 I don't think anyone would be that desperate to use their own hand......
dgameseeker 12
51 was just an old rhyme I heard a long time ago wasn't literal...just hard to convey it through text that it wasn't meant to really use your hand. My apologies!
Khaleesi_26 30
Oh, my bad to then #54, i probably should have picked that up! :P
LostInTheZone11 29
There's nothing like getting back to nature.
randompizzaguy 17
It's better than your pants.
pitapizzaparty 18
You should have called ur wife to check first before u left somewhere that probably had a bathroom
StarDust5921 16
Maybe it hit him on his way home. Shit happens.
kaylaaa01 11
I honestly thought you were gonna say you crapped your pants before making it to the bathroom.
MisterEx 28
I personally thought he went into the bathroom really fast and the next thing he knows he was on the toilet doing his business 2 inches away from a chocked plumber.
StarDust5921 16
What a shitty situation!
pitapizzaparty 18
No -.-
Sansa_fml 38
Maybe if everyone stops making these jokes, we can enjoy them again somewhere 50 years from now.
kerstileann 26
thats a shitty sit-SHUT THE **** UP AND LEARN HOW TO MAKE A REAL PUN BITCH
PresidentNorth 16
Damn dude chill out. ***** not the serious.
kerstileann 26
uhh i wasnt being serious......
Gaernem 17
Ahh the smell of fresh air and fresh sing, nothing like it. Well at least that tree will get some good human fertilization.
Gaernem 17
fresh dung* Auto correct.. My shittiest enemy.
Just_A_Tree 20
Dude... I hated it as much as, if not, more than you did. You couldn't have just used the bush? Speeding in this case could make things much worse! Trying to get home and defile your tree, when you're pulled over for speeding... That's a whole new level of FML.