Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, I was having a smoke out on the balcony of my apartment. When I was walking back into the house, I walked straight into the large glass sliding door, loudly whacking it with my forehead, subsequently waking up my 2 other flatmates at 2.30am. FML
Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML
Today, I took a nap on my couch. I woke up three hours later to my neighbor knocking on my door, asking if I was OK because looking from the outside in, they thought I was dead. Guess I sleep like I’ve been hit by a truck. FML
Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML
Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML
Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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Top comments
Tarion 0
You have an awesome dad. Be proud of that. Be a little ashamed that he made you his bitch though.
Tri_fml 5
Well at least you know your dad ain't a bitch :d
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Comments (95)
SilverBallet 0
OP, personally, I think it's funny that you criticize the people who you seem to have "fooled" when you can't even spell the word correctly. ^_^ I suppose that was on purpose, too, though. You're a clever one. Go claim your trophy--you must be so proud of yourself.
lolol182 4
ooo sucks
crazyhobo 0
Ahh family fun...
wrestler_fml 0
Lol you are officially... his b*tch. At least your dad's a thug though. Be lucky that if a REAL burglar ever actually tries to rob your house, superdad will be there to knock him out cold! After you ice it, you should be able to sleep better at night. That's why you should spend more time working out and getting laid and doing manly things, and less time smoking cigarettes which do nothing but lower sex-drive and kill your lungs. Take that as a lesson from the Almighty. :P
foryoublue94 0
All I can really say is "lol"
dr_tom 0
serves you right for smoking...
Misanthropist 0
Thats one good reason to quit
fuzzishmunkiebut 0
#9 too soon for watchmen jokes, not enough people have seen the movie yet. #15 why would you sue your parents? that just seems dumb. #23 people have sued their parents over things like that. Last but not least, smoking is gross.
dcapp 0
thats karma coming back to get you for smoking. disgusting
Nicksaysheyyy 0
agreed!
smurfy_fml 0
Dad sounds paranoid...why would he be thinking there was a burglar?