Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML
Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML
Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML
Today, I went to get food. I was late so my friend ordered for me. I took a few bites and all of a sudden it got hard to breathe. I realized it was a blueberry muffin, and I'm deathly allergic to blueberries. I looked at my friend, and she was laughing, saying she wanted to see if it was true. I just got out of the hospital. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML
Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML
Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
C8H18 33
Eating a lot right before doing something that has a high chance of making you gag? Ya, you deserve that one.
iamdman 22
Yeah I would agree your life sucks. Try not to get too blue. Stiff upper lip and all that. Have to swallow your pride and move on. Ok I getting on my own nerves with my puns now.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (28)
gamerlaura 13
the ultimate ****** ruiner!!
speedfreak1022 9
Gotta kik?
Seeyounarabish 21
Why would you eat a whole tub of blueberries in the first place???
iamdman 22
"Your turning violet, Violet!" OP must really love them blueberries.
iamdman 22
Yeah I would agree your life sucks. Try not to get too blue. Stiff upper lip and all that. Have to swallow your pride and move on. Ok I getting on my own nerves with my puns now.
dwilliams2081 10
Your fault for doing that with someone youre not in a relationship with :/
withered 30
#6 are you actually serious?
InfiniteSunshine 32
Shut up #6. This is 2016 in the 21st century, not the 1950s. People have sexual desires and are allowed to satisfy them in whatever way they want as long as it's consensual and they take precautions. Being in a relationship does not validate the ability to have sex and make it "more moral."
TheSecretShadow 13
Yeah I agree #12, but she didn't take any precautions apparently, if he said she should get herself checked.
leezapearl 16
Maybe he said she should get checked up because of her violet bluberry puke? How could he know that she has eaten so many blueberries and it's not a normal colour...
E2dav 5
People hook up all the time. Not up to you or anyone else to police someone elses sex life
C8H18 33
Eating a lot right before doing something that has a high chance of making you gag? Ya, you deserve that one.
Gubbon 17
Because we should all walk around with empty bellies all the time?
withered 30
#8 What is it with you spamming bad rhymes? No one wanted your mix tape?
rykelmb 12
I, personally, love your limericks. You keep doing you.
cnkeyser92 3
this is by far the funniest thing I've seen in my life
joshklander 11
It's a bluejob, not a *******. Never understood why they call them ******** anyway. Suckjob would be much more appropriate.