Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML
Today, my ex texted me being all flirty and sexual and yet was never like that when we were together. Not long later, his new girlfriend messaged me saying, "Stop messaging my man, he doesn't want you back." FML
Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML
Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML
Today, after my wife’s father made a very weird joke the other day, and it completely bothered me and caused my anxiety to skyrocket, I asked her about it. She told me not to worry and that it’s just a joke. I’ve always suspected he views his daughter, my wife, sexually. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "Beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML
Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone fell silent as my dad began to pray for our meal. FML
Today, I lit a used tissue on fire in my room. Eventually, the fire became kinda of large (it was a big tissue) and when I blew it out, it fell on the carpet. Now I have a burn stain on it. FML
Today, out of a desire for revenge, I went over and confronted the girl my boyfriend cheated with. Somehow, we ended up in bed together. Worse, she's amazing. I'm now seriously considering asking if we can be a throuple. FML
Today, and for the last two weeks, my husband has been playing hide and go seek with the internet router and my iPad to, I guess, try and punish/annoy me. I keep finding them, use them when he’s not home, and put them back. FML
Today, while at work in a medical office, I had the itchiest and most distracting bug bite. I went the supply closet and got an alcohol cleansing wipe to help cool it off. It worked great but I was then fired for theft for using what costs less than a tenth of a cent. FML
Today, my grandmother hates me. So much so that I've become a rotten, desperate, and overall evil person with no thoughts and considerations towards other people. My family doesn't know this, but I can never undo the damage she has done to me since birth (as she raised me). I only care about my own well-being, nothing else. FML
Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML
Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML
Today, my mom casually told me, "Remember that time we went to build a swing set when you were four? Actually, I was going to hang myself and take you with me so that you didn't suffer in this life. If it wasn't for your Grandma, we wouldn't be here now. And when I took you to the lake… Oh, silly me!" Cool, mom. FML
Today, after going to the doctor, thinking I was going to be diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, it turns out my thyroid is "perfectly normal." Apparently the strange feeling in my neck that oddly mimicked the disease is "an autism thing", even though I've never noticed it happen until now. I am so confused. FML
Today, my husband told me that I’m no longer “allowed” to see my best friend of 27 years. He’s worked up in his mind that she’s going to try to convince me to cheat on him because she’s single. She literally introduced us and was the maid of honor at our wedding. FML
Today, a VIP visited our building. I was put in charge of his hospitality and was very nervous. At one point, he asked me if he could, “Ahem… wash my hands.” Without thinking, I took him to our kitchen so he could use the sink. Turns out he needed a pee. He looked at me like I was an idiot. FML
Today, it's my daughter’s 18th birthday. Today is also the day that my husband told me he’s leaving me for her, and he wants a divorce. When I threatened to press charges for potentially grooming her as a minor, he told me I don’t have a leg to stand on because, “She’s been at the age of consent anyway.” FML
Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML
Today, while I was driving, a pedestrian gesticulated wildly at me for being on my phone. I was just tucking my hair behind my ear. FML
Today, my husband claimed to have gone to a baseball game by himself. My best friend posted a story where she went to that same game. My husband’s hand was in the background. He told me nothing happened between them and they went as just friends. He didn’t tell me because he “thought I’d be mad.” FML
Today, I went to see the doctor to find out if the injury to my foot will ever heal right, because it's swollen to the size of a bowling ball, and I was hoping to start a method of treatment to get it back to what it was like before. When I asked, the doctor said, "It might, might not." So much for that hope. FML
Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML
Today, a man with one eye and a severely disfigured face accosted me at the grocery store. What started as a question about my shirt became an explanation for why he looks the way he does: He took a shotgun blast to the face. I didn't ask about or even draw attention to his appearance. Sweet dreams for me tonight! FML
Today, I had to put my 12 year-old dog down because he had dementia. I was told I got to lay on the floor with him, and say when I was ready. The vet brought my dog out on a stretcher, had the vet tech put him in a choke-hold, and administered the drugs before I could speak. Now, I have PTSD and she has to undergo sensitivity training. FML
Today, I found out both my parents are career criminals. My dad expects me to join the "family business" and my mom has decided that they'll "never get her alive." FML
Today, after a week of persistent allergy symptoms, I finally went to the doctor. The cause of everything was an ear infection. After getting an ear cleaning, all of my symptoms - including a sore throat and head, and constantly feeling as though I was going to vomit - disappeared. My ears didn't feel weird at all. FML
Today, I went a girl's home for our second date. As she opened the door, she was leaving with another guy. I said, "I thought we had a date this evening?" Her response was, “Tah tah!” as she walked out the door while hanging on to his arm. FML
Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML
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