Today, my husband admitted to getting his side chick (who I didn't know about) pregnant. If that wasn't bad enough, he actually had the nerve to call me a "selfish bitch" for wanting a divorce and refusing to help raise the kid once it's born. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their Visas sooner than he'd thought. FML
Today, my husband came home and sat in his car out front for fifteen minutes. I went and knocked on the door, asking what he was doing. Apparently, I always dump so much shit on him the second he walks in the door that he needs a little peace between work and coming home to me. Ungrateful ass. FML
Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying, "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
Today, I shouted at my husband for buying a video game, saying that money wasted on his dumb childish bullshit could be spent on a nice vacation or date night. He quietly packed a bag and left. I'm getting the locks changed. Good riddance. FML
Today, I came home early from work and caught my boyfriend jerking off. When I tried to flirt and say I could help him, he said he wasn't in the mood anymore. He hasn't touched me in months. FML
Today, as revenge for not buying her a new iPhone, my twelve-year-old daughter told her father that my boyfriend, who just moved in with us, is on the sex offender list. My ex turned my boyfriend into the cops and his parole could be revoked. FML
Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML
Today, my husband is upset because somewhere out there, on a long forgotten social media site, is a picture of me mooning my geography teacher's house. He doesn’t like that my ass is on the internet. It’s a 30 year-old pic, out of focus, taken on a damn flip phone, and you can’t even see my face. FML
Today, my leasing office called to inform me that we will be receiving an eviction notice. After further communication into why, I found out that I’m not being evicted, but my girlfriend of six years is, because she got caught doing the dirty with someone in the apartment gym restroom. FML
Today, with a nagging feeling about my girlfriend cheating on me, I decided to look through her phone. She walked in on me, and before I could come up with an excuse, she rolled her eyes and said, "Go ahead. The only things I have to hide are saucy pics of Darth Maul." FML
Today, my girlfriend is at work, leaving me with her needy son again. If I don't play with him, he cries and throws a fit. If I don't clean the house, she will cry and throw a fit when she gets home. FML
Today, I spent the day with my ex-husband, getting our house ready for market. We've been doing this for weeks, and to my shock, my ex has turned back into the hard-working, handy, patient man I fell in love with. I don't know what to say or do, so I spend every day quietly heartsick with longing. FML
Today, I got into an elevator with a really hunky guy. We exchanged polite greetings, then, for some reason, I tried to break the silence by saying, "Nice weather today, huh?" He nodded, but then I awkwardly continued, “Too bad we’re stuck in here.” He gave me a confused look as the doors opened right on cue. FML
Today, my ex told me she got pregnant from when I was comforting her when her mother died. We were still friends, so I went to her house and held her while she cried. One thing led to another and we began fucking like rabbits. I was gonna propose to my girlfriend next month. FML
Today, I brought my new boyfriend to dinner with my family. Everything was going smoothly until my dad asked him how long we’d been dating. My boyfriend looked at me, then said, "Uh, I think it's been… four months?" I looked horrified and said, "It's been TWO!" Now I’m wondering if we’re dating or just two confused people stuck in a situationship. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me at 11pm after leading me on for 5 months, all because she lost interest. I wasted so much time, money, and emotions on her, and never received them from her. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML
Today, I spent like $120 on Mother’s Day flowers and a big bundle of balloons for my wife. On the way to the car, the balloons detached from the string and floated away. FML
Today, my crush would rather travel to another country to meet with someone else. FML
Today, I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding. During the ceremony, I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to stifle it, but when I sneezed, my bouquet flew out of my hands and into the groom’s face. It knocked his glasses off, and everyone was silent until the groom finally said, “Are you implying you oppose our marriage?” FML
Today, I joined a dance class to impress my girlfriend. Halfway through, I realized I had two left feet. The instructor asked me to demonstrate a simple move, and instead I tripped on the mat, fell into another dancer, and took her down with me. I’ve been banned from all future classes. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's friends for the first time. One of them walked up to me and gushed, "Oh my god, Joshua! It's so nice to finally meet you!" Then she made a remark about how she heard I played hockey. Hi, my name is Matt, and my sport is wrestling. FML
Today, and ever since we started trying for a baby, my husband initiates sex a lot less often than he used to, and has even started suffering from erectile dysfunction on occasion. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to suspect he doesn’t want a baby after all. FML
Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad at a tennis game. I could tell he despised me from the start, but it only got worse when I played him. He smashed the ball at me and I went to hit it, but I missed and fell over, tearing my arm up on the gravel. He had a smirk on his face for the rest of the day. FML
Today, after my ex dumped me on November 18, 2024, after 11 years of friendship and just 6 months dating, spreading rumors and ruining my reputation, we’re now in the same class again. The worst part? She’s already chasing another motherfucker who looks like her old crush, right in front of me. Disgusting. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for constant dizziness and insomnia, and was diagnosed with anxiety. I figured out that the main source of my anxiety is not my job but my boyfriend, who has avoidant personality, which makes him constantly refuse almost everything that I request. He's a guy who just doesn't know how to show his love. FML
Today, I sat next to my crush in class in a very loose, low-hanging shirt in the front (my mother had made me wear it, I didn't want to), and I felt so giddy because he kept staring at me in shock. No, not because I'm so beautiful, but because my boobs were hanging out. FML
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