Today, I realised I've become the background stoner character of any college movie, as I sat alone on my dorm's bed, wearing flannel over a Pac-Man shirt, and smoking weed out of a skull-shaped bong. Sorry, mom. FML
Today, I found out that my crush and best friend dumped her boyfriend, and she has been sexting two of our male friends who are married, with kids, and has started hooking up with a meth head. Guess I'm losing a lot of friends in the future… FML
Today, I told my friends that I got a therapist this past week. Every single one of them told me to quit seeing the therapist, and to just talk to them and do more drugs to feel more numb. I don't think that's the right thing to do, and they're actually arguing with me over it. FML
Today, I had to choose between living with my overprotective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot-smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML
Today, I had to inform my midlife-crisis husband that the "weed" he had "scored" from his "dealer down the pub" was actually just a lot of mixed herbs. He refused to believe me and smoked it anyway, I mean, I'm only a chef in a restaurant, what do I know about herbs? He's still coughing by the way. FML
Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML
Today, after my aunt died and left me everything, I found my heroin addict brother searching my house, demanding his share of the money. He thought I had it in cash, so I called the cops. Now our mom is mad at me because a good brother would have given him something. FML
Today, I texted a close friend, who has the same first name as a coworker with the same first name, spelled one letter off. Both saved by first name only in my contacts. I ended up telling my coworker about the great value of my marijuana purchase. My company has a zero tolerance policy for marijuana. FML
Today, I was kicked out of my ex-girlfriend's apartment, with whom I’ve been staying with, because I’m a 'bad influence to her two sons' since I’m an 'alcoholic who passed out and pissed the couch.” I’ve been sober since the beginning of January, and have been in AA since. I'm also prone to seizures. She does Meth. FML
Today, my dad yelled at me for using legal marijuana to help treat my potentially terminal cancer, which is kind of hypocritical for the man who spent significant portions of my childhood in jail for selling cocaine to rich high school kids. FML
Today, I was in a Zoom meeting for a very important lab I work in. My lab director, who is writing me a letter of recommendation for medical school, commented on a painting I had in the background. "Oh, what is that? It looks nice." My reply? "A bong." I got a professionalism email right after. FML
Today, my ex referred to missing my last two weekends with my daughter as an example of my typical unreliable parenting. I was in hospital after a drug addict stabbed me in the intestines with a broken glass bong, used to smoke god only knows what, but sure, it’s typical me behaviour. FML
Today, I drank half a bottle of tequila and had an edible within 30 minutes. I couldn't remember a thing until this morning when my roommates told me I pissed myself on the couch, projectile vomited in the living room, and went on to fondle my roommates, who also had to help me shower. I have a designated seat on the couch now. FML
Today, my mom is becoming a Wiccan, at least that’s the lie I told the neighbours when they demanded to know why my mom was smoking weed naked, waving charms around, and dancing amongst our trees. I actually have no idea what she was doing, and when she sobered up, she had no idea why she did it either. FML
Today, my mother yet again chose to put my brother's junkie of an ex-girlfriend's needs and happiness above mine, despite the fact that she's stolen thousands of dollars and anything else of value from my mom's house. FML
Today, I learned that my mother almost did a perfect job being a parent when I was a baby. She was clean during the 9 month period I was in the womb. Unfortunately, she stopped right after giving birth to me, celebrated, and started smoking again. I was breastfed. FML
Today, I'm a proud non drug user, but I trusted an oat cookie at my brother's birthday, which was loaded with pot. Tomorrow is our mandatory drug screening at work, my job is government based, and I worked my ass off to get it. Anyone who tests positive or misses the test is sacked immediately. FML
Today, a friend of mine borrowed my car, drove it on drugs, fell asleep at the wheel, and smashed it. Don’t worry though, he’s fine, but my car was described as a “write off”. FML
Today, after hitting hard times and needing a place to stay, I'd asked my sister for help to which she sent me a paragraph-long response about how it would break their lease if they had people live there, leading me to sleep on a friend's couch, I found out our tweaker mom started staying at my sisters and didn't leave for 6 months. FML
Today, I learned that weed brownie plus weed gummies leads to me drooling… on my ex-husband’s cock. FML
Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML
Today, I got home from my tour of duty. The first thing my teen daughter said to me was could she have some money, because mom won’t give her anymore since she got caught using her allowance to buy weed. Not even a "Hello" or tears of joy to see me, just a demand for drug money. FML
Today, my mom got a new furnace put in because they found out the old one was leaking carbon monoxide. This is six months after I got kicked out because I was sleeping too much, so my mom thought I was using drugs. FML
Today, not only is my son stupid enough to spend £50 on a bag of garden weeds because the dealer told him it was marijuana, he's also stupid enough to refuse to believe he was conned, and try to smoke it anyway. FML
Today, I got pulled over for a broken taillight. When I rolled down the window, the cop asked me if I was smoking crack. When I told him I didn't do drugs, he didn't believe me since he could detect a foul odor coming from my car. I'd just passed gas big time. FML
Today, I told the coworker who sits next to me that I don't smoke weed anymore, after she brought a spliff to work. I then got called into the directors' boardroom to receive a warning for smelling like marijuana at work. I was only allowed one more warning before they were due to fire me. FML
Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left, all for taking a piss. FML
Today, my husband said he wouldn't be talking to me for weeks, because I didn't buy him weed. Yeah, I paid all the bills and the rent this month. FML
Today, my girlfriend recently dumped me because she's serious about her career (temp secretary) and needs a man who’s also serious about his career. I’m an area manager for 6 hotels, making almost six figures. I found out she's now dating a very low level weed dealer. Serious career. Sure. FML
Today, I was selling weed to a guy by text. He was using our code, saying, "Can I book a tutoring session at 6 o'clock?" I asked, "How many hours do you need?" He replied, "Three please." I said, "Sure." Then he said, "Just leave it in the blue Adidas again." FML
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