Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer who, just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML
Today, my boss shouted and screamed at me for my fuck ups that have humiliated the company and cost thousands to put right. It was only when he paused that I was able to tell him he had the wrong guy, he wanted my coworker down the hall. I’ve been here for four years and he still doesn’t know my name. FML
Today, I accepted the fact that the weekend job I loved is not coming back. My friend and I made them 30K in a month. They said they’re restructuring but I think that's because it’s cheaper to hire their family and it’s been six weeks of radio silence. I miss the dogs. FML
Today, my husband walked in, lit a cigarette, burped, farted, opened two beers at once, then sat down in his armchair in his boxers to watch anime. My three best friends sat on the sofa thought it was hilarious while I was mortified. FML
Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML
Today, a company who interviewed me by phone for 15 minutes rejected my application, even though I passed a video portion previously. The first question was, "Tell us about yourself without talking about your work qualifications," and I talked about my daughter, skiing, and making sourdough bread. FML
Today, I struggled to open a childproof bottle, which, by the way, had the instructions printed on the lid. FML.
Today, I have a rowdy toddler who will run off if I'm not watching her like a hawk. I got sick of it and bought a tether for her. It works wonderfully, but now I get judgmental stares and nasty comments about "putting a child on a leash like a dog." FML
Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said, "Yeah, horizontally." FML
Today, my brother woke up from a 14 month coma and apparently the first thing he said was, “Where'd my muscles go?” Now, while I get the situation was serious, I couldn’t help but picture Grog from Vox Machina saying almost exactly the same thing, and I laughed. Mom slapped the back of my head. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a bad relationship with a man who won't work to get ahead in life, and whose family looks down on me for being a different race. If I dump him, I'll have to live with my racist dad, who will smuckle endlessly about how I "learned a lesson for dating outside your race." FML
Today, my house was broken into and my computer was stolen. Fortunately, I have cloud backups of all my work; unfortunately, hardware prices have gone through the roof and I won't be able to replace that computer soon. FML
Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy, and unfriended me from Facebook. FML
Today, I found out that my husband, who I've just separated from, and my mother, who I don't speak to because she's crazy, have been bitching about me behind my back. FML
Today, I got a noise complaint about "loud stomping" in my apartment disturbing the tenant below. I guess I'm supposed to tell my sweet children that they are no longer allowed to play in their own home. FML
Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML
Today, without any warning, I projectile vomited all over my laptop. I think I broke my computer. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I buried my 8-year-old son two weeks ago and had my husband serve me divorce papers three days ago. FML
Today, because of my wife’s inability to keep her nasty opinions to herself, the last of our children told us via text that they won’t be visiting anymore, or letting us see our grandchildren. So now it’s just me and her, financially trapped in this marriage until one of us dies of old age. FML
Today, I wanted to stream my favourite show illegally, but it turns out the website got shut down and anyone affiliated would face fines. It's a bit of a shame because I had one episode left in the last season. FML
Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine three weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealership to pick me up. She backed into my car. FML
Today, after I used the try-on foundation feature online and it matched, I'd bought it but it was way too light. I then found out that it wasn’t the right foundation and because I had used it, I couldn’t get a refund. I went back to buy the right foundation but my shade was out of stock. FML
Today, after a bad head cold, my boyfriend woke up, shambled to the bathroom and sniffled. He then pulled the biggest booger I've ever seen out of his nose; it looked like a giant slug. He took a picture, then set it as his lock screen. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML
Today, a customer bought a bike. He paid for it and asked us to escort both him and the bike to a bus stop, about a 20-minute walk away. He had no car and said he couldn't bring the bike to the stop because it was "too heavy." When we said we're not allowed to abandon post, he cussed us out and called our manager. FML
Today, I got sick of my mother-in-law telling me everything I do brings shame to the family, so I meanly asked if her other son spending three months in prison was shameful or if he was already forgiven. It turned out that he told her he'd spent three months touring Brazil. Cue massive family screaming match. FML
Today, I got a new upstairs neighbor, a fucking breeder with three brats and a screeching newborn. They’ve barely started moving in their shit and I can hear the howls already. It’s not fair to put them in upstairs apartments above people just trying to enjoy some peace and quiet. FML
Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife…" We all laughed, and then my partner said, "Boy, you got THAT right." FML
Today, someone said not to speak to them like I'm "better than them." I asked how they would like me to speak; I couldn't figure out the problem. The response I got was, "Speak to me like you speak to your lord." Am I the idiot? I wasn't even the one who initiated the conversation to begin with, nor did I intend for beef. FML
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