Today, I got to sports practice 30 seconds late and got kicked out for "poor time management". FML
Today, after finding $50 on the sidewalk this morning and feeling like the luckiest person alive, I got a parking ticket for $60. FML
Today, I spent twenty minutes helping an elderly man figure out how to use the self-checkout. When we'd finished, he smiled, thanked me, then walked away… without paying for any of his groceries. The cashier assumed I was with him. FML
Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of six years has a five year-old daughter. FML
Today, my wife and I have been fighting and she's accusing me of being too controlling because I absolutely forbid her from putting pictures of our kids on social media. FML
Today, I lost the pantyliner I was wearing. It's a hot, sweaty day, and I think the adhesive stopped working. I had a piano lesson right before I noticed it was missing. I'm having visions of it resting on my hot male piano teacher's floor. Or it fell out on the street somewhere. FML
Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML
Today, after seven years, I finally found out why my sister was mad at me: Because I had to get admitted to give birth on the day she had planned her baby shower, which she didn't inform me about or invite me to. As I stole her thunder by giving birth, being full term 44 weeks and way past my due date. FML
Today, everything is falling apart. I hate my job where I get to pick up the mess of clients who don't think. Insane weather: strong rain all the time, and I have to go outside for work. Also, applying for Master's but no offers yet. I desperately want to switch jobs. I feel so alone in this. Health is fucked up. Skipped periods for 3 months. FML
Today, the school called and their first words were, "We only took our eyes off her for a second." It's worse than you can imagine. My daughter had been digging a hole under the fence at the back of the schoolyard all week. She lead a breakout of her kindergarten class under the fence and down a commuter railway track. FML
Today, I found a mysterious button under my desk at work and pressed it out of curiosity. It was the emergency panic alarm. Within five minutes, security, my manager, and then two confused police officers were asking if I was OK. I just wanted to know what the button did. FML
Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML
Today, I tried to discreetly smell a carton of milk to see if it had gone bad. I squeezed it a little too hard and it sprayed directly into my face. My roommate walked into the kitchen at that exact moment, then silently walked back out. FML
Today, my possibly soon-to-be ex-husband assaulted his sister because she said that our adoptive kids weren't really ours. Because of the pending criminal charges, we may have the adoption revoked. FML
Today, I sneezed while getting my keys from my pocket on the way to my front door, dropped them into a storm drain, and then had to explain to my landlord that my reason for needing the spare key was "seasonal allergies." FML
Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML
Today, I was overjoyed when someone finally came to my house to get the electricity back up and running. All that was changed to dismay upon finding out they first needed to find a tree trimming and removal service to clean up all the fallen branches on the power lines. FML
Today, I found a wallet on the sidewalk and tracked down the owner through social media. They thanked me, met me to pick it up, opened it, and immediately asked where the $20 bill had gone. There had never been a $20 bill. FML
Today, I spent twenty minutes trying to shoo a bird out of my apartment. After finally getting it outside, I closed the window, turned around, and realized I'd locked myself out instead. The bird flew away. I didn't. FML
Today, I really think my girlfriend is secretly bisexual and is cheating on me. Reading through her texts, she and her “best friend” are always calling each other beautiful, saying "I love you", and other weird stuff like that. Other members of their friend group do it too. FML
Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML
Today, I'm home, taking care of my kids and keeping the house in order, so that my working wife is able to relax but she doesn't appreciate me at all and hates that I'm not like her best friend's wealthy husband, even though I do my best, and really wish I could be the breadwinner in the family. FML
Today, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a picture that my boss’s girlfriend posted. I walked into his office and said, “DUDE! You gotta set me up with that hot chick in the Facebook photo with you and your girlfriend! I would totally hit that!” It was his daughter. FML
Today, a friend temporarily staying at my house with his cats scared one of them into my basement, where the cat then climbed up within the walls to somewhere on the second floor. He then left as he was on a deadline to get to TN by a specific time. He told me I could keep his cat, who is stuck somewhere in a wall. FML
Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML
Today, I took my nephew to the zoo and spent the day telling him fun animal facts. At the giraffe enclosure, I explained that giraffes can't make sounds. Right on cue, one let out the loudest snorting noise I've ever heard. My six year-old nephew looked at me and said, "Maybe Google isn't always right." FML
Today, I excitedly told my parents I was going to India for an exotic vacation in two months. My dad responded with a "DO NOT REDEEM THE VACATION!" reaction in a racist voice while laughing. My mom snorted and fake-chastised him while also laughing. FML
Today, I was giving a lecture when I noticed everyone smiling at me. I thought my jokes were finally landing until a coworker pointed out that the price tag from my brand-new shirt was hanging out of the back of my collar the entire time. FML
Today, I'd booked a window seat for my first flight because I wanted to enjoy the view. A few minutes after takeoff, I fell asleep. I woke up just as we were about to land, with a dead phone, a stiff neck, and absolutely no idea what the clouds looked like. FML
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