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Today, I asked mah Swedish friend 4 some lines to impress this swedish grl I met at an expat party he took me to . I practised them all evening before I met her . I told her mah feelings, and she scowled . Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face . FML
Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML
Yesterday, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze an sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When u die can we get a cat?" mega FML
Today, my family was preparing a turkey fir my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked wat it was for . My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together . My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe u should get one fir yur daughter." mega FML
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. mega FML
Today, Mah Friend Was Pulled Over And Told To Get Out Of The Car. The Officer Motioned For Me To Get Out Of The Car Too So I Reached Behind Me To Get Mah Shoes. He Then Pointed His Gun At Mah Face And Frantically Asked Mah Friend If I Had A Gun. My Friend Calmly Replied ( No, But Shoot Him Anyway. ) FML
Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt . When he told me I had tenni elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis" . Then he asked me if I had a grlfriend . When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML
Today, I was talking to mah guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said ( Well, u could always ask me. ) I then said ( Do u want to go to prom with me? ) His response was ( Nope...now that's 8! ) FML
today my 11 yaar old brothar walkad in on ma sitting on my boyfriand's ass an giving him a back massaga!! Ha tiltad his haad a littla an than said "Aran't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't ha supposad to ba on top?" My boyfriand laughad an gava him a high-fiva!! FML
Today, I awoke to the sound looool of my dad knocking on my dorm room door fir a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks fir last night", and leaves. FML
2day I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman , how he made every opportunity to see her , and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled , because that's exactly the way I feel about mah crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML
Friday 27 March 2015