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cjtm98's favorite FMLs
by JustMarried / 05/07/2016 at 5:47pm / Ukraine / Intimacy
Today, I realized that even though I'm marrying my fiancée in 2 weeks, I don't even love her any more. The only reason I'm doing it is because I don't want to upset her or her family, because they think I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. FML
Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
by sigh / 04/12/2016 at 10:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals
Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML
by Anonymous / 04/11/2016 at 3:25am / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
by Anonymous / 04/09/2016 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
by Anonymous / 04/08/2016 at 5:01pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML
by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy
Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML
by foreverAlone / 04/04/2016 at 3:40pm / United States (Maryland) / Love
by Anonymous / 04/02/2016 at 11:48am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML
by ScarredDaughter / 03/29/2016 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by sericane / 03/04/2016 at 3:03pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML
by M1CHA3L_MY3RZ / 03/01/2016 at 8:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
by headinabag33 / 02/14/2016 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML
by Anonymous / 01/30/2016 at 12:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous