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cjtm98's FML badges
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I moderated this!
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You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
cjtm98's favorite FMLs
Today, I was babysitting two brothers, 3 and 5. As I was getting the youngest ready to go outside, the older boy, threw open the door, shucked his clothing, and ran off into the woods. I had to carry the 3-year-old as I ran my asthmatic ass after him. FML
by K_nightlight / 09/14/2016 at 8:20pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids
by Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza / 09/13/2016 at 5:17pm / United States / Transportation
by full moon / 09/07/2016 at 10:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML
by Epithymia / 08/15/2016 at 11:09am / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health
Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML
by Justme / 06/30/2016 at 2:20pm / United States (Montana) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 06/18/2016 at 10:09am / United States (California) / Work
by inveralaska / 06/16/2016 at 5:22pm / United Kingdom / Animals
by wtf / 06/16/2016 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 12:38pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by JustMarried / 05/07/2016 at 5:47pm / Ukraine / Intimacy
Today, I realized that even though I'm marrying my fiancée in 2 weeks, I don't even love her any more. The only reason I'm doing it is because I don't want to upset her or her family, because they think I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. FML
Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML
by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy
Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
by sigh / 04/12/2016 at 10:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals
Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML
by Anonymous / 04/11/2016 at 3:25am / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
by Anonymous / 04/09/2016 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids