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bryan788's favorite FMLs
by ECullen / 05/21/2009 at 3:13pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML
by Lex / 05/11/2009 at 11:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML
by schmoodles / 05/06/2009 at 8:20pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML
by fail / 04/26/2009 at 1:38am / United States (Texas) / Transportation
Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML
by snoozer / 03/23/2009 at 2:12am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
by Anonymous / 03/21/2009 at 12:46am / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML
by Melaknee / 03/18/2009 at 8:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML
by DSM / 03/14/2009 at 7:05am / United States (North Dakota) / Love
Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML
by Jong / 03/09/2009 at 10:35pm / United States (Oregon) / Work
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
by Noname / 03/05/2009 at 2:44pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health
Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML
by oprahahaha / 03/01/2009 at 11:20pm / United States (New York) / Love
by shilpajayseanfan / 02/24/2009 at 8:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation
Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML
by Noname / 02/18/2009 at 4:55pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML
- Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a… Today, I realized just how bad I am in bed when my girlfriend literally yawned the words, "Oh God"… Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to…