Nearly FML

By NickySimpson - 29/02/2016 02:16 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I broke my leg and wrist, and scraped up my face to the point of needing stitches. Why? My brother thought it would be funny to push me off the back of a moving truck. He still doesn't understand why I'm mad, claiming it "was all a joke". FML.

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By Helped - 29/02/2016 02:06 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a cop stopped me while I was walking to work. He accused me of being intoxicated in public because of how I was walking and thought I had alcohol mixed in my bottle. It's windy today and I have high-arched feet. FML

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By PuckYouToTheFace - 29/02/2016 02:01 - United States - South Jordan

Today, while walking my boyfriend's two dogs, the youngest decided to beeline towards a family with two small kids. I sprinted after him only to twist my ankle in a pile of snow and fall on my face. The dumb animal then ran across a busy street giving me a heart attack as I lay there helpless. FML

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By mybutthurts - 29/02/2016 01:56 - United States - Reseda

Today, whilst having sex with my girlfriend my dog ran from the living room and bitt my ass.FML

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By Itadakimassachusetts - 29/02/2016 01:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I experienced the lowest moment of my college experience so far when I had to eat instant ramen using a fork made out of three straightened paper clips taped to a pink highlighter. FML

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By 56781234 - 29/02/2016 01:41 - United States

Today is my best friend's twentieth birthday. We can celebrate, but her parents have set a strict 8:00 curfew. FML

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By Worst Case Scenario - 29/02/2016 01:25 - United States

Today, at the bus station, I dropped my photo ID in between the toilet paper holder and the wall. Two janitors, a bus driver, and a security guard later, I still can't get it out. I need to show it with my ticket or they won't let me on the bus. I'm screwed. FML

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By javajav - 29/02/2016 00:53 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I went to the hospital because I had constipation all day and my anus decided to bleed so as soon as we get to a doctor he asked what happened my hooked on every drug brother blurted saying "MUST HAVE BEEN ALL THE ANAL SEX" I'm not gay. FML

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By anonymous - 29/02/2016 00:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my birthday. After a year of depression, countless fights, and stress filled nights spent crying into my pillow, my two friends and I made up. They were the only people I invited to my birthday party. Neither of them came. Guess this depression recovery isn't so easy. FML.

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By cat123 - 29/02/2016 00:19 - United States - Westerville

Today, my cat shit in my bedroom while looking me in the eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 23:53 - United States - Athens

Today, I got so depressed I actually got angry and had a fight with my fiance who kicked me out of his place. I got the courage to call the suicide hotline to talk to someone since I have no one to talk to. They hung up on me twice. FML

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By LightEmUp - 28/02/2016 23:43 - United States - Tulare

Today, driving on my way home from work I stopped at a light and noticed a group of kids pointing and laughing at me through my open window. I looked in the mirror to check my face and discovered a cigarette butt lighting my hair on fire. I don't smoke. FML

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By SkylarInReverse - 28/02/2016 23:37 - United States - Zephyrhills

Today, my mom told me that ever since I got diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome, I'm more difficult than my 3 and 4 year old brother and sister combined... Thanks mom. FML

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By Oh okay. - 28/02/2016 23:36 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my sister suggested that we play a game where one of us puts headphones on in high volume and figure out what was the other is trying to say. It wouldn't be a problem if I weren't deaf and already a pro at lipreading. FML

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By birthdayforgot - 28/02/2016 23:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, me and my sister went into a gas station, I had 2 dollars so I bought a single lotto ticket. So I go out to the car and scratch it. Nothing... Then turns out my sister bought the next ticket in the roll and won $500. So now I have no money and a worthless piece of paper FML.

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By themessenger357 - 28/02/2016 23:25 - Germany - Bochum

Today, I am getting kicked out of the third place in 6 months due to family members stealing money from me, therefore I am unable to pay my bills. This also screwed up my credit, so finding a new place will be difficult. Hello homelessness. Oh and it's below freezing. FML

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By NeckDeepInStudentLoans - 28/02/2016 23:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I checked my bank statement to realize someone in Maryland spent $450 using my debit card information. FML

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By sillysadness - 28/02/2016 23:01 - United States - Omaha

Today, while cuddling on his couch, my boyfriend discovered that I am extremely ticklish. I fought him so hard that I somehow landed face first on the floor and chipped my front tooth. Apparently this is my fault. FML

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By Jenny246844 - 28/02/2016 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after years of being in love with my best friend, he finally came out to me. He's a guy and I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 22:26 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my 17 year old daughter's alarm starts going off from 3:30 am to 4:00 am non-stop. I would be proud if it was to study for a test or something and not to harvest her crops on a game, FML.

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By MaiLyfe - 28/02/2016 21:59 - Canada - Irma

Today, I finally realized why my mouth is in pain all the time. My orthodontist apparently forgets that I'm allergic to latex, even though it's written on my forms, and uses latex gloves and gives me latex elastic bands for my braces. FML

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By Cheeseless2 - 28/02/2016 21:42 - United States

When I was a kid, I had a really nice teacher that I respected and honored. I was scrolling, and looking for porn, when I found her. I can never look at my kindergarten teacher the same way again. FML.

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By Will.D - 28/02/2016 21:23 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today I walked in on my son masturbating while playing League Of Legends, as I went to ask what the hell he was doing he finished, and got it all over my new keyboard, now I have to get another new work computer FML.

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By WolfGirl1151 - 28/02/2016 21:15 - United States - Dodge City

Today, I put on a skirt to make myself look nice and left to go to church. I was unaware that the wind was blowing like crazy so when i walked out of church the wind blew my skirt up, flashing everyone in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 21:09 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I realized that even though I am majoring in Computer Science, I still need help from my 5 year old sister to use my iPhone. FML

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By doggone annoyed - 28/02/2016 21:08 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I learned the hard way what it means to scare the shit out of someone. My nice new rug is covered in my dog's explosive diarrhea after I scared him, by sneezing. FML

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By Steven - 28/02/2016 21:07 - United States

Today, I somehow failed to notice a spider and her egg sac were hiding in my beard. I finally did notice when hundreds of baby spiders suddenly started swarming from my beard in the middle of my board meeting, forcing me to hurriedly shave it using my boss's nail scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 20:57 - United States

Today, my truck broke down and was having to get towed. I asked one of my buddies to pick me up and meet me at my truck. While we were waiting for the late tow truck his vehicle computer malfunctioned and as a result his had to get towed too. So we spent all day on the side of the road. FML

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By unseenparticles - 28/02/2016 20:22 - United States - Powder Springs

Today, I was cleaning my old apartment after buying a new home. While moving some things my roommate left behind after ditching me halfway through our lease, I found multiple red candle wax stains in the carpet. Now I have to stay and clean them so the complex doesn't take my security deposit. FML

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By Deaf - 28/02/2016 20:20 - United States - El Segundo

Today, I had a clarinet lesson. When I was trying to get my clarinet case out from under my bed, I hit my head against the underside of it. I had a throbbing headache throughout the whole lesson, with loud squeaky high notes included. FML.

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Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

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Today, my girlfriend got a sexy new tattoo as a surprise for me. It’s on her boob in Japanese, next to a pair of sexy lips, and she claims it says "Oral Queen." I'm fluent in Japanese so I wish she'd asked for my help first, because it actually translates to "Mouth Ruler" which is not sexy at all. FML

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Today, I got stuck in a revolving door and had to be rescued by the fire department after about 30 minutes of walking in circles with no open exit. At least they got a good laugh out of it. FML

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Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML

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Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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