Nearly FMLs

By bottjengirl - 29/03/2016 10:37 - United States - North Pole

Today, I woke up to the sound of my dog peeing. When I got up to clean it up, I stepped in a pile of his poop. After I had finally gotten everything cleaned up, I got into bed only to discover he pooped in our bed as well. fml

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Okay then - 29/03/2016 09:46 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was told I'm going to hell because I'm a "pagan and a heathen" for being Hindu and therefore polytheist. Me telling her that I didn't believe in hell or the 10 commandments didn't bode well with her. I was assaulted with a handful of pamphlets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By At least I've followed my heart???? :/ - 29/03/2016 09:36 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was given an ultimatum by my parents; remain Christian and go to church every Sunday with them or convert to Islam and be disowned. I'm now living out of my car and nobody in my immediate and extended family will speak to me. They say I'm "shunned". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Emo_Gir_Lover - 29/03/2016 08:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found my brothers porn magazines in the back of my moms car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By SkillUpSkillet - 29/03/2016 08:40 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I bought a bottle of Sprite to help settle my sour stomach at work. Shortly after returning to my desk I absentmindedly reached up to adjust my glasses. With the open bottle in my hand. I am very sticky and wet now, my shift just started, and yes, everyone saw it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By chrissaikyo - 29/03/2016 07:48 - United States - Chicago

Today, while working at my job as a cashier, a mother and her 5 year old son got in my line. As I rang them out, the little boy asks, "Why are you so dark? Were you in the sun too long?" The mother only laughed as I tried to explain race to her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 07:20 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I finally found out the reason to my parents divorce when my mom said in court, "I had an affair with my daughters boyfriend." ?He had told me he cheated but I didn't know until now it was with my mom... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By HylianBadger - 29/03/2016 07:13 - United States - Dickson

Today, I was waiting in line at Walgreen's to pick up a prescription. A little girl escaped the bathroom while her mother was changing her diaper, and started throwing stuff at people. I ended up getting hit in the face. I'll give you a hint: it wasn't chocolate. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 06:33 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I recently had a relapse with the eating disorder I've been struggling with for five years. He poked my stomach and said, "Well, it looks like it's working! Cheaper than the gym!" He doesn't understand why I am upset. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Frame_rate - 29/03/2016 06:18 - United States - Toledo

Tonight I picked up my hedgehog for our usual late night playtime when I notice all over his side and tummy his fur was matted. I promptly gave him a bath, turned around for two minutes, and found him fapping viciously in the sink. He won't stop so I can take him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By anonymous198913 - 29/03/2016 06:06 - United States

Today, I missed an important meeting, since my mom had to go to the hospital to tend her sprained ankle. This happened when she was carrying my dog down the stairs and slipped. My dog can't walk for a couple weeks, because she just got treated for cancer, and could die if she's not too careful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By FieryMexican - 29/03/2016 05:52 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got my hair cut and dyed. Today is also the day that my mother decided to "fix" my "God awful" bangs when I took a nap on the couch. Not only do I look even more Mexican than ever, but now I'm an idiot with too short, over textured bangs. My only escape is to wear beanies 24/7. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By PoorDoggo - 29/03/2016 05:48 - United States - Longmont

Today, I got a new puppy. I live in Colorado, and my dog got the chance to experience snow for the first time. After a while, my dog came inside and started losing her mind. Wondering what had happened, I went outside to see a half eaten brownie. Not only was it a brownie, it was a pot brownie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By gross - 29/03/2016 05:34 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, at work, two 50-year-old men came up and started asking how some of the meat items on the menu tasted. When I told them I was a vegetarian, they then told me I "had to be lying" because my "jugs were too big to be from eating grass". They did this for 5 minutes while staring at my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By BlanketsAreScaryApparently - 29/03/2016 05:19 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I learned what it feels like to have your spooked cat land on your tummy, all claws out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By ErinShannon - 29/03/2016 05:12 - Australia - Revesby

Today, my boyfriend left me. Why? Because I was coming off medication and it made me a bit crazy. Why was I coming off medication? Because it was making me fat and he didn't like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Kendall14159 - 29/03/2016 05:06 - United States

Today, I just took a shower and afterwards I tried to take a photo of my freshly painted toe nails and the selfie camera opened up, essentially taking a 'nude'. As I quickly tried to delete it, I accidentally shared it to Facebook. On the bright side, my creepy uncle thinks I have "nice tits". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 05:01 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today I have 3 weeks left to finish, print and submit my dissertation. I thought I was doing really well until I checked my word limit. I thought I had 11,000 words not including footnotes. I actually only have 10,500 words including footnotes. I've been editing all night with no end in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Julia - 29/03/2016 04:59 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was doing a very hard science project, which included drawing, coloring, cutting, and finally pasting the pieces onto a board, when I let out a large huff of breath. Everything scattered all over carpet and I turned in the project late because I couldn't find some of the pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By wtfbroidfwy - 29/03/2016 04:47 - United States

Today, my older brother is getting married, after renting a $100 suit and tie, I was informed that they wanted a casual wedding, they just wanted everyone to wear clothes they would wear any other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Canukistani - 29/03/2016 04:17 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, while working as a security guard, I got locked into the client's property. The client had told me to dummy-lock the gate. We don't have the keys, and its the first shift of the long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Timbo_Slice - 29/03/2016 03:52 - United States - Cedar Lake

Today, I was hooking up with this girl at a party. I was fingering her and kissing her simultaneously so I wasn't looking down under. She felt super wet. I said, "Damn you're soaked." I looked at my fingers, they were covered in blood. She was on her period. I can't wear that white shirt again, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Jessica - 29/03/2016 03:51 - United States - Billings

Today, I had my first orgasm. It was to a detachable shower head. I am 22 and have never had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Me - 29/03/2016 03:46 - United States - Rogers

Today I was playing on my PS3 and there was a spider on my shoulder. I thought it was just my little sister playing a joke on me, until it bit me. Now I have a big red rash on my neck. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Wolf6661 - 29/03/2016 03:43 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, at work I waved at couple, the guy came up and punched me in the face, and threatened to rip my dick off if I did it again. It's my job to do this shit. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By thegman16 - 29/03/2016 03:41 - Canada - Kingston

Today, while trying to set a fart on fire due to pure stupidity, i ended up burning off practically all my ass hair, including the between the cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Naomi - 29/03/2016 03:28 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I pulled an all nighter with a guy that I've liked for 3 years. We got very close, and he told me he loved me more than a friend multiple times. A few hours after that, I woke up to him telling me that he was just sleep deprived and didn't really mean it all, but I was still cute. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By eashansahai - 29/03/2016 03:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancee broke up with me the week before our wedding all because his jealous ex made up some story about how I was cheating on him. He actually believed it. I'm now single and broke from paying for my wedding dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By brobinson12345 - 29/03/2016 03:28 - United States - Bancroft

Today, I was about to have sex with the hottest girl on campus that everyone envies. Turns out she is a transgender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Annie - 29/03/2016 03:23 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went to this burrito place for my lunch break. I was listening to music on my iphone. I let out a big fart, thinking nobody heard it. Upon further inspection, I realized that I had earbuds on and everyone knew it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 2

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The Top

Today, tired of my roommate’s constant stealing of my food, I decided to get back at him by hiding a small amount of hot sauce in his sandwich, thinking it would be a funny prank. When he took a huge bite, he immediately started choking and running to the bathroom. I later found out he's allergic to spicy food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 178

Today, I had two different tennis shoes on all day and no one noticed, including myself. When I mentioned it to my family, they told me not to worry about it because no one pays attention me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 146

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 226

You deserved it 64 002

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 422

You deserved it 2 577

Today, I checked my jacket pocket for my smartphone, all while still holding my smartphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 385

Today, my mom told me how happy she is that I'm living with her. No wait, that was a month ago. Now she tells me it’s “bad timing” that I'm living with her while she potentially has a new boyfriend, because things like me demanding that people tidy up after themselves might upset him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 165