Nearly FMLs

By Yourmom - 29/03/2016 16:07

Today, my son ate my goldfish. It was a long night once he went to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By americanviking - 29/03/2016 16:06 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, I figured out that my girlfriend would rather stay up all night without a break on Xbox than stop for, oh, twenty minutes to talk. Who bought the Xbox? Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By irishmaiden78 - 29/03/2016 16:01 - United States - El Cajon

Today, not only was my child diagnosed with high functioning autism but Dissociative Identity Disorder which was formerly known as multiple personality disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 2

By cjhons - 29/03/2016 16:00 - United States - Wilmington

Today, it's Spring Break for my kids and my nephew. I took them all to the park to celebrate my nephew's 8th birthday. He fell off the swing and broke his arm. Happy birthday little buddy. Worst aunt ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By :/ - 29/03/2016 15:45 - United States - Douglas

Today, I created Sims to replicate my internet friends so I wouldn't feel so alone whenever they aren't online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By kris - 29/03/2016 15:43 - United States - Houston

Today, I discovered my boyfriends been using my toothbrush to clean his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 15:37 - United States - Glasford

Today marks the third day in a row I've been glued to the stool. My stomach does nothing but growl, cramp, and shit in green. I can't walk without feeling ill. The day before yesterday, I had six deviled eggs. Last time I remember getting sick from eggs, I was bedridden for two and a half weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 15:33 - United States - Naperville

Today, my future mother-in-law gave the family dog Red Bull. She wasn't much better at raising kids, either. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By what a dirty trick - 29/03/2016 15:33 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, last night my husband talked me into sleeping naked together, something I don't normally do. Turns out he only wanted me naked so he could try and slip it into my ass while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Good Dog - 29/03/2016 15:23 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I found out that the reason why my dad refuses to visit me is that my dog is part pit bull. He said that "pit bulls have inborn tendencies of violence" my dog is scared of beetles and butterflies and has never bit anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 15:08 - United States - Silver Springs

Today, I was using the vending machine in the break room when I felt the guy behind me grab my ass so I turned around and slapped him! Turns out, my cell phone in my back pocket got hooked on a chair. The video loop shows it all as Human Resources pointed out to me. Hello anger management class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By davidknackmann - 29/03/2016 15:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I mistook some clorox-whipes next to the toilet at a friends house for wet whipes. My asshole has been burning for over four hours. fml.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By total_killjoy - 29/03/2016 14:16 - United States - Blacklick

Today, my mom told me to get my life together. I reminded her that I pay her bills, I work two jobs, I go to school, and I put food in the house. This was followed by demonic screaming as she chased me through the house throwing things at me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By mk1madness - 29/03/2016 14:14 - United States - Terre Haute

Last night, my girl had given me some head out of the easter spirit. Well i found out she didnt swallow that night becuse this morning i took a drink out of the open pop can on my bed sode table, And got a mouthful of cold semen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 2

By datoaster - 29/03/2016 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to be the designated driver for my friends dinner date. Now I'm filming their sextape. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By 36 year old virgin - 29/03/2016 14:08 - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I am a 36 year old virgin working at a gentlemen's club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 14:05 - United States - Villa Park

Today, I found on that a family member drowned while on vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By MyEarsHurt - 29/03/2016 13:56 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, I experienced a lesson in electricity. Don't wear earbuds and touch unusually staticky clothing at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Brown is not my color - 29/03/2016 13:47 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I was in the middle of a 30 minute walk when I was struck with horrible gastrointestinal distress. I waddle my way the whole thirty minutes back with clenched cheeks, only to shit myself two steps from my bathroom door. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By kaliana - 29/03/2016 13:39 - United States - Miami

Today, I realized that not only I am not able to get anything published on FML, but a girl working for the school newspaper with me plagiarizes my articles. When I confronted her and told our teacher, he gave me detention for plagiarism. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Evananjunli - 29/03/2016 13:29 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I had to go to the school nurse's office because I was so tired from pulling an all nighter that I fell asleep in class, hit my head on the table when I fell asleep, and jolted awake with blood spurting everywhere out from my nose.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By americanviking - 29/03/2016 13:26 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, I figured out that my girlfriend would rather stay up all night without a break on Xbox than stop for, oh, twenty minutes to talk. Who bought the Xbox? Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By drkate25 - 29/03/2016 13:08 - United States - Enfield

Today, I called out of work to give myself a 3day weekend and relax a bit. Instead, by midday, I've developed a debilitating stomach flu that puts all others to shame. Should be a 24Hr bug and I should recover just in time for work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By yuck - 29/03/2016 12:51 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I found out that you should never browse this site when you're eating or you might read something disgusting and choke on it, causing you to puke on your keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 2

By anonymous - 29/03/2016 12:44 - United States - East Hartford

Today, I spent 10 mins trying to get my TShirt on before I realized it was actually a pillow case. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 29/03/2016 12:29 - United States - Boise

Today, I ask to go to the bathroom and my teacher held me hostage. She lock the bathroom doors after I had tryed to sneek out of class. I ended up craping myself in front of everyone. Needless to say, I am now going to a different high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Wolvie_1 - 29/03/2016 12:19 - United States - Prattville

Today, while riding my Harley to work since it's a great day to ride in. I was behind a truck when he kicked up a rock, having half helmet and riding glasses, the rock hit my nose. Causing blood to blow all over my face and in my hair. Oh I had interview that morning for new position at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Papp - 29/03/2016 11:57 - India - Pune

Today i was speaking shit about my boss on phone in office washroom unaware of the fact he was next to me in another box...FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 3

By bottjengirl - 29/03/2016 11:06 - United States - North Pole

Today, I woke up to the sound of my dog peeing. When I got up to clean it up, I stepped in a pile of his poop. After I had gotten everything cleaned up, I got into bed only to discover that he had pooped there as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By koseguer - 29/03/2016 11:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my wife of two years called me to tell me that is over. I just got to a bomb squad training class a couple of states away. Her reason? I didn't want her to get a tattoo without letting me know before she got it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my car was broken in for a second time in a month and a half, and for the second time it's now Inoperable. I only got it returned from repairs two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 70

Today, my boyfriend and I get along very well, but I’m not used to being extremely close to somebody. Every time we are together, I always somehow manage to elbow him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 220

Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 599

You deserved it 319

Today, after walking on the beach for an hour with a friend, I noticed I'd lost my car keys. Thirty minutes from my friend's house, three hours from mine. It was getting dark & the tide was rising. We retraced our steps with no luck; the keys could’ve been washed away. I'd also locked my keys in the car earlier this week an hour from home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 203

You deserved it 495

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 092

You deserved it 4 432

Today, the girl who I had a desperate crush on in high school 25 years ago, and who would never go out with me, told me that she was actually head over heels in love with me, but was so cripplingly shy that she couldn't say yes. She's divorced now. I'm married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 284