Nearly FML

By LittleChestnut - 01/04/2016 11:13 - United States - Deland

Today, thanks to the bug problem at work, I was too paranoid to fall asleep because I still felt like they were crawling all over me. After I finally managed to pass out I woke up to a beetle biting me. I must have brought him home with me. So much for sleeping tonight. FML

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By Nani - 01/04/2016 11:12

Today, my dad commented that I was getting bigger and gaining weight. I actually lost ten pounds in the past month. FML.

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By anonymous - 01/04/2016 10:16 - Australia - Wishart

Today, at work I was cutting a watermelon and dropped the knife and while jumping out of the way, slipped over, fell to the ground then the melon fell off the bench and smash between my legs, splattering everywhere. fml

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By NoMoreChocolate - 01/04/2016 10:16 - Australia

Today, after months of a gruelling diet regime, I finally allowed myself a small piece of chocolate. I enjoyed it, until I threw it up an hour later. FML

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By Enemyofsoup - 01/04/2016 09:52 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I learned that my new liquid diet makes me puke. I'm three days into recovering from double jaw surgery. At least I didn't suffocate to death. FML

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By Annonymous - 01/04/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, i found out that my boyfriend of 3 years and my best friend of 8 years have fucked behind my back and kept it from me for the past 10 months. FML

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By shitday - 01/04/2016 08:51 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got rejected from my dream school. My mother's response was to take me dress shopping, which would have been nice if she hadn't spent the whole time lecturing me on my weight. FML.

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By BloodyHell - 01/04/2016 08:43 - Australia - Morwell

Today, I was washing my face. Once I had finished, I turned off the tap and opened my eyes to a sink covered in blood. I had a furious nosebleed. It didn't stop for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 08:37 - United States - Charlotte

Today I over heard two female coworkers rating all the men at our work place. They couldn't agree on a single person until they got to me, they both quickly agreed that "eww he's a 0". FML

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By Trappers - 01/04/2016 08:21 - United Kingdom

Today, the April Fool's joke of the year goes to... my laptop, which decided to switch itself on at 4:30am and start playing YouTube videos on full volume. FML.

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 08:02 - United States - Charlotte

Today my wife's incredibly hot sister came by for a visit. when I helped her unpack she said she "I need a shower" and then ripped off her shirt and bra right in front of me. My wife walked into the room right at that moment and accused me of trying to cheat on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 07:56 - United States - Charlotte

Today I had to drag a dead squirrel out of my parents crawl space while fighting off flies that were trying to get into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 07:50 - United States - Charlotte

Today I felt something in my shoe. When I reached in to pull it out I discovered that I had been walking with a roach under my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 07:44 - United States - Charlotte

Today I found that someone smashed out my car window and stole my radio. They were kind enough to leave a note that said "get better shit". FML

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By stressedoutlady - 01/04/2016 07:42 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I realized that my severe anxiety and chronic depression are the reason I have bad memory problems. Now my anxiety is worse knowing this information....it's a never ending circle. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 07:37 - United States - Charlotte

Today I saw my nephew checking out my wife's ass. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that he's checking out his aunt or that he's eight years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 07:31 - United States - Charlotte

Today my ten month old daughter kicked me in the balls while trying to shove her finger in my eye. My wife won't stop laughing. FML

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By missnettymarie - 01/04/2016 07:18 - Canada - Cranbrook

Today, at nineteen I miscarried because I took birth control when I didn't know I was pregnant. The same day I found out about this I found out I have a condition that makes it so I'll most likely never be able to get pregnant again. FML

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 06:42 - United States - Westminster

Today, My friend asked me to help him book a flight because his computer was down. Later I found out that he fled the country with his mistress and abandoned his wife and kids. Everyone refuses to believe that I did not know of his intentions. FML

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By BurgundyInk13 - 01/04/2016 06:31 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I was assaulted at work for telling a customer the sink she saw online was out of stock. FML

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By angry mother - 01/04/2016 06:31 - United States - Anchorage

Today,my best friend dared my daughter to do a perfect front flip. She did it all perfectly until she landed on her knees and one knee on the metal rim. It's completely black and blue and she is now on crutches and her gymnastics competition is in 2 weeks. FML

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By ex wife - 01/04/2016 06:30 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my husband just left me and my birthday is in 30 minutes. I have no friends and nobody to celebrate my birthday with. FML.

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By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 06:22 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I bought blue hair dye and followed all of the directions in order to achieve the perfect color. My hair is green. Seaweed green. Fml.

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By Stressed and waiting - 01/04/2016 06:14

Today, I went to an important appointment. When I arrived I was told the doctor went on vacation and that I would have to wait until they returned. The appoint was to address my psychosis and stress is my trigger. I had to miss school for this which stresses me out more. FML

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By pain.in.the.ass - 01/04/2016 06:11 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, I was discharged from hospital after 2 days from having surgery to remove a absyess on my butt caused by an ingrown ass-hair, Fml.

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By almostivy - 01/04/2016 05:59 - United States - Woodbury

Today, I am the epitome of "so close, yet so far" as I was waitlisted (but not accepted) at not one, but six Ivy League schools. FML

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By tayrainrexfml - 01/04/2016 05:37 - United States - Hobbs

Today, a woman who's had "beef" with me since my freshman year (I'm now a senior) plastered to Facebook that I slept with her husband, my friend of 8 years, in their bed. Who believed it? Everyone. Last time I saw him for more than two minutes? Before their marriage more than a year ago. FML

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By anonymous - 01/04/2016 05:22 - United States - Newark

Today, I tried opening a bottle of apple juice in front of my crush I never opened the bottle but I did give myself a black eye. FML

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By letshopethisendsokay - 01/04/2016 05:16 - United States - Helena

Today, I found out my insurance will no longer be accepted at my current dentist. There's only one other dentist in town...my ex wife who I caught cheating with her assistant. I need a root canal and guess who gets to do it. FML

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By Ansleeee - 01/04/2016 05:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend had outpatient surgery. When his family and I were finally allowed back to see him he was still pretty drugged up. The first thing he said when he seen me was "well, we aren't having sex for awhile." FML

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Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Come on Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

agreeclassic 62 441

vote type 1 6 927

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

agreeclassic 16 433

vote type 1 1 921

Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML

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vote type 1 384

Today, I met an American guy at a bar. I felt flattered when he said, "You know what they say about Swedish girls, all so beautiful." After a pause, he filled in with, "What the fuck happened to you?" FML

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 11 years is cheating on me. I’m so numb, I don’t even know what to do. We just bought a house together last year, and we have a dog I’m not willing to let go. FML

agreeclassic 441

vote type 1 97

Today, my daughter gave me the “but daddy I love him” speech when she turned up to a family event with her boyfriend, who was at least 20 years older than her, was visibly intoxicated, stank of body odour and cigarettes, then tried to flirt with my wife. FML

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vote type 1 80