Nearly FMLs

By sprdad - 02/04/2016 14:46 - United States

Today, I was told I could not be on my sons birth certificate until the mothers ex says it's not his child. He got a vasectomy over two years ago complete with the fallow up test proving he's only shooting blanks, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By sadscientist - 02/04/2016 14:21 - United States

Today, because of poor planning from our team leaders, I missed my state science competition event. Goodbye to all that effort and being able to tell my partner, who's in the hospital, how we did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 14:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me on April Fool's day. I thought it was an April Fool so I played along. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By GreenShelves - 02/04/2016 14:15 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I realized that after six weeks working hard to lose 10 pounds, I managed to regain half of that in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 14:15 - United States

Today, I went on a hike. At the parking area, they have self-service pay stations. I went around asking multiple people if they have change for $20 for the $5 fee. Without even checking their wallets, they all said no and told me to go to the closest town. The closest town is 2 hours away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By DriveThru - 02/04/2016 14:14 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I realised how little people care while working drive thru at Mcdonald's. As I was holding back sobs while taking orders and visibly crying while taking customers money and no one noticed. Not even my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 14:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told "friend" who my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with what I knew. He had multiple seizures due to the stress of the situation. Because his family is out of town, I am now stuck taking care of him all night because he can't afford the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 13:40 - United States

Today I found out that my bartender has been fucking my ex-girlfriend since six months prior to our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By aesthetic_007 - 02/04/2016 13:38 - United States - Birmingham

Today, after smoking with my husband we decided to have "high sex is the best sex." After twenty minutes he still couldn't get it up, and we laid there awkwardly as I felt my self worth drop a few points. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Messedupbrother - 02/04/2016 13:31 - United States - Webster

Today, my brother tried to bribe me into giving him a hand job by offering me $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 13:26 - United States - Boston

Today, I told my boyfriend I was going to the gym after work so I could surprise him when instead I got my hair dyed strawberry blonde and got bangs, something he said he wanted me to do. When I showed him, all he said was "I knew you'd find an excuse to not go to the gym." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By yray173 - 02/04/2016 13:08 - Canada - Fort Mcmurray

Today, I got chunks of ear wax out that had caused me to become literally deaf. My friends used modified sign language to speak to me. Waited for 4 hours to see my doctor as per his instructions for him to tell me they're completely spotless and to let them dry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 12:58 - Korea, Republic of - Osan

Today, I was talking to my best friend, and told him about some guy in our school asking me out. My best friend then informed me that two days ago, the guy who asked me out had pestered my best friend about dating the ugliest girl in school. I'm the only girl my best friend has ever dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 12:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother had decided to tell me about all the clowns she's dated. No, not jerks. Literally clowns, the ones with the face paint and balloons. Fairs are her idea of a good time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By lexluthier33 - 02/04/2016 12:21 - United States

Today, I was walking downtown with my friend. Well, we saw this REALLY cute guy walking towards us. I started freaking out. My friend? What did she do? Pushed me into the water fountain and took off with him. Wow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By lidium_19 - 02/04/2016 12:11 - United States - Edwards

Today, I went home for the weekend from my college campus. I was so excited to go home I left all of my books at the dorms. The campus is a six hour drive away and I have 3 essays due on Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By nothankyou - 02/04/2016 12:10 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was out and about. I ran into a friend I see pretty often at the store. He nonchalantly asked me as he was leaving if I would ever be interested in a threesome with him and his girlfriend. Apparently, she planted the idea and he thought it was a good one. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Brnzpntyz - 02/04/2016 12:08 - United States - Fairhope

Today, as I was going to the bathroom a roach crawled on my hand, I instinctively jumped up launching piss all over my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By sallysali9 - 02/04/2016 12:06 - United Kingdom - Sutton

Today, I had to shave my face. I am a 12 year old girl.FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By NotGoingOutAgain - 02/04/2016 12:03 - United States - Columbia

Today, i was officially diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. If that wasn't bad enough, I also have an extreme fear of using public restrooms. I'm literally too afraid of having explosive diarrhea to leave the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By parkingplacepooper - 02/04/2016 11:56 - Germany

Today, I went on a spontaneous trip to prague to party. To keep costs low we slept in our car. After a night of heavy drinking and freezing I woke up because I had to poop really bad. So I decided to poop between some cars. After a while I realized there were 3 security cameras facing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 11:18 - United States - Lemoore

Today, it was my anniversary with my boyfriend. I got guilt tripped into going to a work party. I asked him several times if he wanted me to stay home. I told him I would, but he kept telling me to go, so I did. Now he's super angry with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By alreadyopenspparently - 02/04/2016 11:16 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend of six months told me he was interested in starting an open relationship. After discussing it, and me saying I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, he looked disappointed and said: "But my wife was so excited." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 11:03 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, my mother blamed me for 'letting' the bacon burn. She left them on the stove to check Facebook. I wasn't even on the kitchen. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By imeanyeahok - 02/04/2016 09:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my uterus decided to open the floodgates two weeks early. Today was also the day I had decided to wear my nice new underwear for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By cocacola999 - 02/04/2016 09:34 - Estonia - Tabasalu

Today, I found out that not all sports bras are suitable for intensive aerobics. How? My boob slipped out of my top, while exercising with a jump rope in front of the entire class. Not in an adult aerobics class, but a regular ruthless high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By doemetoch - 02/04/2016 08:54 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I stood up for a girl getting verbally abused by a man on the bus. The man then spent the rest of the bus ride insulting and threatening me. Noone stood up for me, not even the girl in question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By seeyouroundneighborino - 02/04/2016 08:46 - Australia - Perth

Today, the guy I'm madly in love with called to tell me it's over because he is moving to the other side of the country. He just signed a 12 month lease on a house in the same suburb as me. He obviously doesn't remember telling me this. But it's ok because he's 'really cut up about it too'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By lesecureilsverts - 02/04/2016 08:34 - United States - Austin

Today, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. Why? Every night, right before I go to bed, I get an intense itch that seems to move all over my body at random every few minutes. This usually lasts for several hours at a time. No doctor has been able to find a cause, and no amount of cream helps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Notevenclose - 02/04/2016 08:33 - Australia - Perth

Today, the guy I was seeing was going down on me for the first time & after about 5 minutes commented on how long it was taking for me finish. After another 30 seconds, I started to moan, he stopped & said thank god he didn't think he could go much longer. I might go & window shop on tinder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 1 261

Today, I tested positive for Covid. Not only do I feel absolutely miserable, but I was at work all day yesterday, interacting with the public. Also, the day before that, I hung out at a friend's house with a 3-month-old infant. If any one of them get Covid, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 461

Today, my separation anxiety got so intense, I found myself smelling my boyfriend's pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 500

You deserved it 8 763

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 558

You deserved it 5 555

Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 207

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 797

You deserved it 67 529