Nearly FML

By lmnypny100 - 02/04/2016 22:57 - United States - Dallas

Today, I told my mom and dad the exciting news that they would become grandparents again. Instead of being excited they asked if I knew what birth control was. FML.

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By privatepolicy99 - 02/04/2016 22:52 - United States - Vienna

Today, I got yelled at by my mother for having a fever of 103 the day after April fools. My bad for not making it clear that I was sick on April Fools Day by vomiting and passing out... FML

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By privatepolicy99 - 02/04/2016 22:46 - United States - Vienna

Today, I suffered 7 hrs of school feeling lightheaded and nauseous. I was excited to go home when I found out my coach made practice mandatory. After fainting and vomiting profusely my mom bitched me out. The same mother who refused to let me stay home from school... FML

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By grandpoultry - 02/04/2016 22:22 - United States - Grundy

Today, our intelligent and reasonably successful 24yo daughter brought home two dozen fertilized eggs. She won't stop referring to them as "the grandchickens." FML.

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By clingoni - 02/04/2016 21:50 - United States - Harvey

Today, I had my first date in about 6 months with a girl who lives an hour and half away. It was going great until we were driving back to her place when a guy ran a red light and hit us going 40. I now have no car, no date, and no way to get to work. FML

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By Lost faith - 02/04/2016 21:21 - United Kingdom - Carmarthen

I was eating out with my disabled brother when he suddenly had an alergic reaction. I had his EPI PEN but asked a waiter to take my phone and ring my parents as they were close by. When I looked up he not only pocketed my phone he was stealing my purse! I've lost faith in humanity. FML

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By bradenrafer - 02/04/2016 21:16 - United States - Chandler

Today, while opening the box for my new protective phone case, my phone slipped out of my pocket and shattered. FML

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By Wtf Dad - 02/04/2016 21:03

Today, My family and I went to the mall. My sister and dad decided to buy her clothes leaving me sitting outside of Justice for hours. My father spent $250.00 on my sisters clothes. When we finally left we went to Best Buy, my dad refused to buy me anything because he said I'm "not worth it". FML

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By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 20:46 - United States - Missouri City

Today, I found myself sitting in bed while listening to my boyfriend, located in the attached bathroom, talk to himself as he takes a shit. This is the THIRD time today, and I doubt it will be the last. FML

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By mylonius - 02/04/2016 20:39 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I asked a girl I like to prom. She said yes. She later texted me saying she has a crush on my friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 20:38 - United States

Today, I called to break up with my boyfriend. As soon as he answered he asked me to move in. I didn't have the heart to say no. FML

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By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 20:05 - United States

Today, I had an interview with the local news about a power outage that affected our business. Everything went fine and the reporter left, it wasn't until afterwards I realized I still had lunch stuck in my teeth. FML

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By Floridaguy - 02/04/2016 19:54 - United States - Lansdale

Today, my first girlfriend in about 4 years broke up with me after one month because apparently we didn't see or each other enough. She spent 2 of the 4 weeks in Florida. And to top it all off, I got broken up with over Instagram. FML

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By jasminenz - 02/04/2016 19:47 - New Zealand - Hastings

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. well he had sex with me. for about 28 seconds. FML

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By JessicaA - 02/04/2016 19:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my abusive manipulative boyfriend left me; but not before telling me that everything was my fault and that I'm the one who never cared. I have to see him every day at work. FML

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By Accidental Car Thief - 02/04/2016 19:40 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I drove 2 hours away to test drive a new car. I loved it, but I wanted to look around. When I got home, I realized I still had the car keys in my pocket. They close before I can get back there and are not answering. I don't know what to do. FML

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By DraytonP - 02/04/2016 19:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a race I was training for for over a month. I got on the water and to the start of the race course. The conditions were so bad we almost flipped. When we got to the start line we were told the race was cancelled. Guess a month of training and waking up at 3 am was all for nothing. FML

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By yourusernameherr - 02/04/2016 19:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral and he pushed my head down to deepthroat it...I ended up throwing up...FML

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By Mama4ddk - 02/04/2016 19:29 - United States

Today my husband and I took our dog Hagrid to visit with our boss. He had gotten a new bunny which Usually runs around the house but today because we were coming to keep it safe from my dog they locked it up in it's cage. Didn't work because my dog ripped it out of its cage and killed it. FML

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By Jaxzan_Proditor - 02/04/2016 19:18 - United States - Sudbury

Today, after months of preparing for a very prestigious choir competition with my strict director, I got the flu. I emailed my director and she thought it was a joke. It's not. And to make it worse, I also got my period. I feel betrayed by my own body, and now I can't even go to the competition. FML

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By nixonman96 - 02/04/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, a child took a dump in a display toilet at the store I work at. FML

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By nolongerasurprise - 02/04/2016 19:06 - United States - Wakefield

Today I dropped off a sealed envelope from our doctor at the balloon store and two boxes to fill will blue and/or pink balloons for a gender reveal party later that day. When I returned to pick them up the clerk said to me 'it's so exciting to have one of each'. Surprise popped. FML

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By Joblesswifey - 02/04/2016 19:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my in-laws thought it would be funny to send an email to my boss saying that I quit and that I found a better job. I also found out that they deleted my job acceptance letter from the company I was going to join. My husband and 15 year old thought it was funny. FML

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By Bad Baritone - 02/04/2016 18:48 - United States - Madison

Today, after months of practicing a baritone solo for our band's upcoming competition, I was cut a week before contest. There goes months of preparation. FML

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By sugacube - 02/04/2016 18:42 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, I told my grandmother that I don't believe in God. In response, she said that if I don't believe in God, I'm dead. Now she wants me to join a bible study group, read the bible, and attend church every Sunday. FML

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By Jude117 - 02/04/2016 18:39 - United States - Downey

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie and took photos to send to my boyfriend in hopes that he'd be super excited when he got home. Lately he hasn't been in the mood. When he came home he said not one word about the photos and turned on the sports channel. There goes $200 spent on lingerie. FML.

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By MrsHumanFrog - 02/04/2016 18:27 - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband and 15yr old got the same video game so they can play online together. Both of our only 2 tvs are now in the livingroom and both have a shooter game on them. FML

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By chloeconnor - 02/04/2016 18:21 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, my boyfriend's mom had breast cancer surgery. I was very kind to my boyfriend all day, until he started to tell me I'm worthless and my feelings don't matter. I got upset and started a argument. Now he's telling all his friends/family that I'm a bad girlfriend because I don't support him. FML

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By Cbazil - 02/04/2016 18:20 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to stand up to my grandma and move out. I left most of my stuff in the house to get it later. After a week I was on my way to get it back and she texted me saying that she threw $1200 worth of stuff away. FML

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By shinymaster3000 - 02/04/2016 18:18 - United States - New York

Today, I saw my mother crying on the phone. Thinking somebody died or something, I asked her what's wrong. She said she's crying because the cab company put her on hold. Yes, she's crying because the cab company put her on hold. FML

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Top

Today, like nearly every morning, I got yelled at by a relative because I got up late. Nearly every night, I lie in bed with anxiety attacks because of her daily insults. I get up late to avoid her, but she decided that I sleep great, which makes her angry. She also gets angry if I get up earlier than her. FML

agreeclassic 1 107

vote type 1 131

Today, I've been being harassed by a collections office for over a month. Every time I try to call them back, no answer. My bank froze my accounts over it. I finally got an answer today. Not only did they have the wrong person, but I have no idea who the claimant is. The bank knows, but my accounts are still frozen. FML

agreeclassic 635

vote type 1 63

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

agreeclassic 23 112

vote type 1 2 378

Today, I found out my wife confided in a coworker that she wants to sleep with him, because our marriage is loveless and sexless. News to me. FML

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Today, I took an extra Xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

agreeclassic 45 394

vote type 1 10 745

Today, my alarm rang just as I was about to have a wet dream with my husband. This is the closest I got to having sex in weeks. FML

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vote type 1 160