Nearly FML

By mommy problems - 16/04/2016 06:03 - United States - Modesto

Today, I was clipping my 3 year old's toenails while her dad read her a bedtime story. One of her toenail clippings shot up into my nose and took nearly 5 minutes to get out. FML.

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vote type 1 1

By exposed - 16/04/2016 05:59 - United States - Meadville

Today, I thought my family was asleep and decided to pleasure myself, and my mom came in shorty after. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By BlueSteele220 - 16/04/2016 05:54 - United States - Keller

Today, after weeks of wondering where my tax refund was, I got a letter saying that my husband forgot to sign one of the forms. Now I have to wait a few more weeks until it is processed. FML.

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vote type 1 1

By StaySober - 16/04/2016 05:39 - United States - Amherst

Today, I got too drunk and fell asleep on a public toilet. My friends invited several women in, and they and my "friends" took over 100 pictures, which they posted on Facebook and Insta. Everything was exposed. FML.

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vote type 1 1

By killerLEELOO - 16/04/2016 05:28 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, the roofers finally came to redo my whole roof including the decking. They didn't finish which I was okay with. Till it started raining. Hard. In New Mexico. FML

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vote type 1 1

By ViolenceByDesign - 16/04/2016 05:17 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was coming home from work only to discover I left my keys at home. Not to worry, my fiance is home. The problem is my fiance is deaf. Not to worry, I'll just text her. Oh wait, she left her phone in my car. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By hollymarie865 - 16/04/2016 05:08 - United States

Today, a state trooper pulled me over today. Accusing me of taking a selfie. After showing him all my social media, texts, and calls to prove I wasn't on my phone the state trooper stated that he doesn't believe me because he seen me smiling. I'll never smile again sir. Fml

agreeclassic 5

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By ferniferous - 16/04/2016 05:06

Today, my train broke down. 10 minutes from the station. Guess who missed her last bus from the station? FML

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By slicedanddiced - 16/04/2016 04:54 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, while at work repairing a laptop, I sliced my left index finger open. I went to grab the first-aid kit to get a band-aid and somehow managed to cut my right index finger trying to open the box. Sadly this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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vote type 1 1

By DarkShadow0910 - 16/04/2016 04:50 - United States - Portland

Today I had some "tamed" jalapenos on my pizza, it was so spicy I instantly reached for the nearest drink, which was my coffee. The coffee that I got 9 hours ago, that has milk in it. Needless to say I am now throwing up, and the jalapenos are now burning my throat and mouth once again FML

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vote type 1 1

By diabetic08 - 16/04/2016 04:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from my sons 3rd grade teacher, confused I asked her what happened and what he did now. She said that they were taking a states test and my kid continually put "west and south vagina" instead of Virginia and said we need to go to a out of state councilor that is $350 per vist FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By shit - 16/04/2016 04:33 - United States - Kingsburg

Today, I had explosive diarrhea at a softball game today. I was handling it good until I went up to bat. The ball came and as I got ready to swing I shit all over myself... I hit the ball at least, FML.

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By ChildhoodTerror - 16/04/2016 04:17 - United States - Mesquite

Today, the teacher asked a guy to hand me the paperwork, but he gave it to the resident beauty queen. When I asked again the teacher publically yelled at the guy that "ignoring the ugly girl for the pretty girl will destroy him" and to apologize to the ugly one, me. So much for self esteem then. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By ughhhhhhh - 16/04/2016 04:09 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex at his beach house. He was supposed to be home by 6, but we accidentally fell asleep. By 7:10 his parents had called him 42 times and his dad showed up at the beach house to find us asleep, and naked. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 04:09 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I had an IUD inserted. The cramping and bleeding won't stop. My boyfriend wants to immediately test it out anyway. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By xlaine - 16/04/2016 04:00 - United States - Kokomo

Today, I got pulled over for speeding in a construction zone, while on the way to the court house to pay a ticket for speeding in a construction zone a few weeks ago. FML.

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By SpicPepper - 16/04/2016 03:45 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I got home from work and walked into water pouring from my ceiling. My washer machine locked up and wouldn't turn off. Now I have water leaking from my second floor to my basement. FML

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vote type 1 1

By nakedandembarassed - 16/04/2016 03:35 - United States - Youngstown

Today, I found out I have epilepsy. How? I had a Grand Mal seizure as I was getting into the shower. So my father found me, butt naked on the floor like that and so did the EMTs.

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By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 03:23 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, I asked my boyfriend to buy me pads. He went to the drug store and came back with paper towels. FML.

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By Andi - 16/04/2016 03:23 - United States - Texas City

Today at lunch at the hospital, I saw a familiar face in a cute dress in line at the deli, then realized it was a nurse I normally see in scrubs. She smiled and waved and I said Oh I didn't recognize you in clothes! Everyone cracked up laughing at me. FML

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vote type 1 2

By ashleysteele - 16/04/2016 03:00 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriends dad, hates him dating so much, he went on his iPod and blocked me from every social media app possible. He even went as far as to go on Instagram and unlike every picture on my profile. All while my boyfriend is at work.... This is going to be a fun night. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By GlitchInBody - 16/04/2016 02:56 - United States - Caldwell

Today, I was working in the cat shelter with my friend, as we were pulling out to leave we saw a kitten. So we got out of the car and tried to grab it. It ran up a dead tree and I went after it. I ended up getting stuck in the vines and the cat jumped down. FML

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By Sylvester11 - 16/04/2016 02:40 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was cashing out a lady's order that had food trays and plates for a party. Being nice, I asked "Are you throwing a party?" Turns out her Uncle's funeral is today. She was getting items for the service after the funeral. My manager was standing behind me. FML

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By Why? - 16/04/2016 02:28 - United States

Today, I finally earned the trust of a stray black dog, He now allows me to pet him after a week of me feeding him. Sadly that trust didn't last long. My brother had the great idea to stomp near the dog, very loudly, now the dog runs the opposite direction when I try to pet him.FML

agreeclassic 4

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By emlizcat - 16/04/2016 02:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I found out that my husband is having an affair, with our marriage counselor. FML

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By morecaffeineplease - 16/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Lewisville

Today, after working an 8 hour shift, then staying for another 8 hour shift because someone didn't show up, I have to stay another 8 hours because the 3rd shift didn't show up. I can't leave my post until someone comes to relieve me. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By WarMachine68 - 16/04/2016 02:05 - United States - Irvine

Today, I finally worked up the courage to confront my emotionally abusive brother about how he was affecting my mental health. He responded by yelling at me for being 'too sensitive'. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By The_ghetto_mango - 16/04/2016 02:01 - United States - Manchester

Today, I accidentally cursed in front of a four year old. Her reaction? "Oh, Daddy says that all the time when he's in the bed with Mommy." FML

agreeclassic 5

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By Rainyknights22 - 16/04/2016 01:36 - United States

Today, I just realized that my hair is falling out because of the shampoo I've been using to help get rid of dandruff. FML

agreeclassic 4

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By JustFMealready - 16/04/2016 01:30 - United States - Spartanburg

Today at work I was written up. Why? Last week I told my boss something was impossible. This week I was proven correct and was written up for failing to finish an assigned task. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

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Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

agreeclassic 34 467

vote type 1 2 675

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

agreeclassic 14 765

vote type 1 27 787

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

agreeclassic 53 894

vote type 1 10 317

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

agreeclassic 13 796

vote type 1 1 815

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

agreeclassic 14 734

vote type 1 998

Today, after a 16-hour day fixing the computer network at my workplace, I didn't even get a "Thank you". I did, however, get people whining about how, "That computer crap never works" and, "Why do we need IT anyway?" FML

agreeclassic 1 022

vote type 1 86