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Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

#15232480
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14403) - you deserved it (32371)

On 03/07/2011 at 8:03pm - intimacy - by tatfreak (woman) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

#19325916
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14397) - you deserved it (8628)

On 03/22/2012 at 10:59am - health - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was vomiting after an evening of drinking. My boyfriend was kind enough to hold my hair back while I spewed chunks into the toilet. Apparently he got bored though, because his hands made their way down to my boobs, which he started jiggling while singing Jingle Bells. FML

#19345098
202 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14396) - you deserved it (25210)

On 03/25/2012 at 2:04pm - health - by analeis (woman) - United Kingdom (Liverpool)

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

#15974313
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14394) - you deserved it (35612)

On 04/29/2011 at 2:52am - misc - by Celluloid (woman) - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

#75556
14 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14393) - you deserved it (25099)

On 02/19/2009 at 1:51am - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

#1690267
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14389) - you deserved it (76941)

On 05/06/2009 at 1:04pm - misc - by ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

#19239456
223 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14388) - you deserved it (49951)

On 03/08/2012 at 2:03pm - intimacy - by Fraser - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

#4520748
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14387) - you deserved it (35091)

On 08/14/2009 at 4:29am - misc - by whoneedsdumbcars (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

#24461
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14382) - you deserved it (27235)

On 02/11/2009 at 6:59am - misc - by Crog (man) - United Kingdom (Monmouthshire)

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

#14199411
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14375) - you deserved it (27034)

On 12/14/2010 at 4:26am - health - by shit (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

#19593515
446 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14373) - you deserved it (36205)

On 05/08/2012 at 6:10pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

#13376999
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14369) - you deserved it (23149)

On 10/09/2010 at 10:36am - love - by Kiimmy (woman) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

#792
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14366) - you deserved it (36593)

On 01/07/2009 at 4:54pm - money - by Perdedor - United States (New York)



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  • So, have you ordered it? Have you got it? No? Yes? Do you have any idea of what I'm talking about? OK, for the normal people, I'm talking about the new iPhone 6. Apparently, it came out today. I'm not…

Friday 19 September 2014

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