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Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

by yourstruly / 02/11/2010 at 2:40pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

by anonymous / 11/20/2015 at 2:07pm / United States / Love

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2012 at 1:58pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

by Patrick / 01/27/2010 at 6:55am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

by DUFF / 06/11/2015 at 5:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

by xolaurennnn / 05/22/2015 at 11:55am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

by Anonymous / 08/21/2015 at 8:29pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

by sadsadboy / 09/07/2015 at 5:20pm / Peru / Money

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

by NotChadKrouger / 05/11/2011 at 11:19am / Miscellaneous

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

by bloodshedblack / 02/21/2012 at 12:01am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

by anon / 08/29/2012 at 12:52am / United States (Maine) / Money

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

by highschoolsucks / 10/04/2012 at 10:44pm / United States / Work

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

by Lola / 12/20/2008 at 7:23am / Kids