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July 2013

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Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 10:39am / United States / Work

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

by Gracie-Ann / 07/01/2013 at 2:38am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

by walker / 07/06/2013 at 12:17am / United States / Love

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

by tastetherainbow / 07/07/2013 at 6:55am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2013 at 12:15am / United States / Work

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

by good_aim / 07/27/2013 at 4:03am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

by Immaculatedream / 07/27/2013 at 3:56am / New Zealand / Love

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

by Garchomp / 07/08/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 10:38am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 12:10pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2013 at 3:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

by sucksatlove / 07/25/2013 at 7:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

by Bnewlove / 07/31/2013 at 12:50am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love