Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML
Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML
Today, I let my boyfriend sleep over at my house for the first time. Upon arriving, he tossed his stuff on the floor and said "I gotta take a piss, where's your shower?" FML
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML
Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML
Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML
Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML
Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML
Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML
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Top comments
Nolimit2217 32
Is your friend Charlie Sheen?!
myusername83 10
Well at least you get to spend quality time with him still...with hookers
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Comments (97)
myusername83 10
Well at least you get to spend quality time with him still...with hookers
colton_colton 50
I see nothing wrong with this
CJB3228 17
If they're quality, does that mean they come with more than you paid for? I.e. STI's?
Nolimit2217 32
Is your friend Charlie Sheen?!
sarcasticlover 30
he wouldn't need a house then!
jarrettd 27
Yes he does Ashton Kutcher took his.
Nickb55 16
Tell him that he has to share and you win too!
rs89 20
Ah, win an STD or die trying!
LuluRichards 20
Oh goodness. I hope you let him know you don't find that acceptable, he needs to respect you and your home - it's only basic manners.
strike2867 13
What if he brought enough for the whole class?
LuluRichards 20
...fair enough ;)
SWC_Penguin 17
Hookers made the "basic" list? I guess it comes up more often than I thought.
CallMeMcFeelii 13
Nothing wrong with bought, consensual sex. We all do it to some degree.
buttcramp 21
yeah, agreed. OP, if this is actually upsetting you, I'd lay down some ground rules because you're doing this friend a favor and the friend should respect you/your home.
Lacist 19
Take out the bought part that comes with STDs.
SuperStormCindy 8
Yes. Yes there is.
jlamb0328 4
You know they normally have a group rate...
Kamon97 23
Good thing he isn't moving in with you.
JMichael 25
Well you really didn't say yes or no.
Kamon97 23
Would you want someone to invite hookers to your house? I didn't think so...
expectcriticism 13
that depends, will he share?
JMichael 25
Depends, do they all have doctors notes saying they're STD free and as tight as a bolt to a nut? Cuz you know..you don't want anything lose.
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@62 Maybe you're just small
Kamon97 23
You're a pig Michael...
buttcramp 21
Scientifically, it's proven that a woman's ****** doesn't become larger or loose as a result of having tons of sex. During sex, yes, but if you were to pull out and count to five and reinsert your penis, it would then be just at tight as when you first inserted. The more you know!
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@89 Pregnancy, however...
angelicdevil 16
So true, too many people aren't aware of this.
buttcramp 21
lol #94 this does take some time.. different for each woman depending on how they delivered their baby but most doctors say at least four weeks. you don't just bring a baby home and everything is magic downstairs.. you have stitches, gush blood with every movement you make, ointment, pain reliever spray, can't walk normally, can't wipe when you potty (dab dry), can't get comfy to sleep well, can't have sex (you can still get pregnant/pain unbearable). I remember my husband laughing at me "both of y'all are in diapers!" LOL
myusername83 10
This night is going to have it's ups and downs
sparkrok 8
Ins and outs?
kurodansei 16
give and take?
TheAbstract 15
Push and pull?
KSer4lifeee 8
C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
funnyguy_101 4
Sexy party time!
dpl77 7
Hookers are people too you know!!!