Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML
Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML
Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML
Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML
Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML
Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML
Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML
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Top comments
ImTheAlpha 30
Sometimes I'm glad I don't have siblings.
Rainhawk94 27
Quiet you loofah
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Comments (83)
ImTheAlpha 30
Sometimes I'm glad I don't have siblings.
rebelbelle 17
same here! So glad I never had to deal with this stuff
SmuggletheBudgie 15
I never understood why people hate their siblings so much everyone in my flock are nice to each other :)
ImTheAlpha 30
You're an adorable little budgie. Of course your family loves you.
addioty 19
Haha it's hard having three. . . rowdy twin brothers and an adopted sister :) It gets annoying and aggravating but you can't help but love them despite that.
TwistedCherub1 15
Of course siblings fight and tell you lies; that's what they're for. But no one has your back like siblings. My siblings have been with me since I was a kid, know all the best and worst of me, and still stick by me. Being the oldest, by 12 years, I will always be there when they need me, even though I tortured them sometimes.
LindsayxMoore 18
while a lot of times my brother and sister drive me insane I love them, except one cause hes just an ass.
sptriangle 16
That kid is a genius. Sorry about the parents though.
Rainhawk94 27
Quiet you loofah
DocMcVickers 13
How is he a genius? That was really stupid and not a funny joke.
kxxjoejoexxk 8
Put a shirt on sir
ShyAnn29 14
I think he means the kid is a genius for embarrassing his mother.
s13495 19
I agree with #14, that's not muscle that malnutrition!
hcollins1 18
Are y'all surprised that the one that says its funny is a 12 year old? Hopefully soon he will also realize he absolutely looks stupid without a shirt. Guys that workout that take shirtless pics, looks douchy but can get away with it more than boys his size.
deathy94 14
#2 you shouldn't take a picture without your shirt off, unless you're a cat. Everyone loves to see my belly. ^_^
j_cat187 19
I'm gonna one up the 12 year old by being in a speedo.
Ambient25 24
and you wonder why most schools have a 200ft restraining order on you...
j_cat187 19
And that is why I have an unmarked van, my trusty rope, and a rag saturated with chloroform.
sptriangle 16
#34 Im 12.5 get it right. #39 You win, I can't beat the speedo.
lbrown66 12
Someone should beat you
LindsayxMoore 18
lol your still 12 and you need to put a shirt on. unless you have something to show off you shouldnt post those pictures and even those guys are douchy.
iAlissa 34
Am I the only one who thinks his belly button is too circular
pinkshirtbadman 15
I have to agree on the freaky round belly button.
mFUNdo21 17
I don't think he knows what a douche REALLY is P.S. a six pack doesn't count if you're that skinny
Lilxpie 18
Don't you love how the people on the internet picks up so many little things in one photo. XD
MikaykayUnicorn 36
Seems like you need to talk to your children about a few things.
Ambient25 24
Just make sure they don't mistake a condom for a balloon.
MikaykayUnicorn 36
oh my god ^
CptnHowdyy 13
FML has taught me that all siblings are evil always.
leeyaro 13
CptnHowdyy you are very pretty.
SexualAtheist 3
Im almost glad I don't have mine living in the same household
pinkshirtbadman 15
I'm not sure there is any direct evidence that the older brother did it on purpose and want just confused himself.
pinkshirtbadman 15
Hopefully it is pretty obvious, but that should say "wasn't", as opposed to what my device thought and spelled it as "want"
olpally 32
That's freaking hilarious! Lol. But yeah, a douche that is really a loofah? Haha. Mental image is funny. Haha.
Trivision 10
The "mental image" of you trying to comprehend grammar is funny.
olpally 32
The wording of the FML is what I got confused with. What was wrong with my grammar again? Yeah, shut it.
Welshite 39
Loving the name, milady.
abbyycarper 13
It could be a lot worse
cazzyen 7
Wow
addioty 19
What an intelligent and thought provoking comment.
pinkshirtbadman 15
The nicest thing one could say about this comment is At least it was a palindrome.
_marnie_lauren 8
Maybe next time you should pay him to keep his mouth shut. Just a suggestion.
Welshite 39
Yep, teaching your children to successfully blackmail you is great parenting. My parents taught me early on. That's how I managed to get my car.
Bradley_Dillon 39
Is it a nice car?
MiMiLove96 10
Kids say stuff xD sorry that you got embraced though. Have a talk with your son so he knows to not believe every word his brother says.
ShyAnn29 14
You mean, embarrassed!
MiMiLove96 10
Oh yes I do! XD I must have not noticed that my autocorrect decided to change my words on me.