Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "Uh-huh," "Not too bad," and "Yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered, "Cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML
Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML
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Top comments
droidlover 14
Not too bad.
jajajapun 5
yup
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Comments (171)
youllnvrkno 8
Doen't matter. Still had sex.
jajajapun 5
yup
CallMeMcFeelii 13
Uh huh.
droidlover 14
Not too bad.
Wizardo 33
As Cleveland says, "you need to put more enthusiasm in your voice".
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Doesn't matter, had snu snu.
then000bster 16
How could you guys comment in such a way. It was the most uncomfortable thing in my life reading them.
PuggieKid 22
Huh ? ^
cyanidesandwich 21
Sorry bud but I have to. Doesn't*
emeraldisle 30
Probably the only time that comment is acceptable.
truesarrif 33
and boom goes the dynamite
Poppipuff 14
This thread is weird.
adamo_erebus 26
#32 it's a shame no one got the Futurama reference ;-;
neuroticallyyour_fml 17
Seriously a shame no one got the Futurama reference. I was under the impression that the FML community was way over the whole "doesn't matter, had sex" thing. I would have figured the new spin would have been well recieved.
gallaeo 21
I was under the impression that was a Southpark reference?
missrebecca3 8
STILL COUNTS
missrebecca3 8
"she put a bag on my head"
ImAFaker 29
The best 30 seconds of my life.
GweedSincE84_fml 15
Haha yeah for him maybe... Op you just need to find yourself a real man. But if you're planning on putting yourself through that again return the favor and don't moan at all. In fact, grab your phone and post another FML while he's still inside of you. I bet you he'll change his tune real quick.
gotaplanstan 28
Lumbergh: You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
ohcheriecherie 20
we got the reference. but it's old
sexyboi1985 27
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
May be that's how he was feeling ?
narrowords 18
Or maybe he's mildly autistic.
JACKxRAWR 22
#48, maybe you're a big ol' bag o' dicks.
etoilenuit 15
I can't say anything in a monotone when I'm having sex... Maybe he was bored..
theaaxis 27
Anyone else instantly think of Lumberg in Office Space?
electricshock19 12
Uh-huh. yeah. Not too bad...
TrueTriage 16
Yeah. Um, this experience... Kinda sucks, fair to say uh huh
romzfml 9
yup
Uramonkey 11
Nuh uh! Nope! That's too bad OP. Let's hope for a better **** next time
jkmartinjk 16
Why don't y'all call it a day.
_Peppermint_ 34
I'm terribly sorry the first time didn't go through as you wanted. I would've suggested more communication here but seeing as that is the problem...
applebramble 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Agreed . It sounds like he doesn't love you OP , otherwise he wouldn't have said those awkward things . Instead he would have appreciated every moment with you and it would have been beautiful .
Ultimawolf25 19
^ Unless he was very nervous or it was his first time ever? Not everyone has to have ****-like sound effects when they have sex.
green2go 14
Umm ya do have those TSA reports done. Is what comes to mind
griffy14 9
TPS reports. And yes I immediately thought office space also.
TheCutestLizard 28
Like a record.
TKay916 15
Shoulda stopped and asked him what his problem is.
Zimmington 21
Maybe she's one of those girls that just lay there during sex.
firstbasemaster 15
At least he didnt say hes had better
Blackcatluck 19
He basically did.
Drifting 21
First times almost never go the way you think they should....sorry OP
Doodleoodlebug 18
It gets better! Promise!
Jemm_fml 29
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
AngrySailor 17
SQUEEEELLLL LIKE Ned Beatty!
Epikouros 31
Thanks, Klinger!
Jemm_fml 29
My pleasure, Pleasure Pig.