Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML
Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML
Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML
Today, after waking up beside my girlfriend to get ready to go to work, I leaned down to kiss her while she was still asleep, and she said, "Have a good day Jake." My name starts with a J, but it's not Jake. FML
Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML
Today, my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML
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Top comments
ThatOneDrummer 8
So he's either cheating on you with a woman, a man, or he's just really enthusiastic about car insurance.
boofgall 16
"And he's making you hard?"
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Comments (180)
ThatOneDrummer 8
So he's either cheating on you with a woman, a man, or he's just really enthusiastic about car insurance.
Askzombie 14
What you wearing "jake?!?" Ummmmm khakis..........
cblock94 7
She sounds hideous.
ohcoolstorybro 14
Well she's a guy so...
Capt_Oblivious 10
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
She sounds hideous.
FarFromSocial 9
#42 you didn't read the comments above you huh?
Kevin1157 10
I guess not #90, his name is very appropriate.
maronofhearts 19
Well he's definitely gunna need car insurance now, a baseball bat related incident is sure to strangely occur. Anyway full coverage gets most guys off if you know what I mean
BusinessTurtle 8
Well, she's a guy. So.....
BusinessTurtle 8
Like a good neighbor State Farm is there… with a divorce settlement
gman90210 18
So what it might not have been there when they posted happens a lot
FarFromSocial 9
Pretty sure it was there considering their post is under it.
blackman100 20
It might have been posted while he was typing! Mind blown!
PrincessLiLi_fml 7
Except by car insurance you mean life insurance.
gingerface81 16
You are all beautiful people XD
BananEnigma 24
MIght've had the comment box open for a while, letting it sit there.... It happens.
boofgall 16
"And he's making you hard?"
Crazynopantsman 11
He could have gotten a really great quote.
R4inb0wBrit3 13
Or he's got a khaki fetish.
Jharrist89 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
We'll at least you can divorce his ass for getting intimate with a man over the phone lmao.
twaumat 28
you are dumb.
crispy174 7
I second that
cb1002630 11
The official motion for 3 being dumb has passed.
gman90210 18
Your dumb
FarFromSocial 9
#127 You're *
electrorange 13
That's one good neighbor!
Toasty283 8
Like a good neighbor, stay over there!
Selphis 20
That's some good covering insurance!
ThatOneDrummer 8
The staff are very "hands-on" with their customers!
TheElBurrrito 21
"sHe sounds hideous!”
OlgaCornmuffin 7
"Yeah, well she should, because she's a guy." :)
StephenCC 10
Well she's a guy so...
skyeyez9 25
Its from the state farm commercial. Geez.
OlgaCornmuffin 7
I don't see why I got so many negative votes for merely continuing the quote from the commercial, when both other people got thumbs up. Lol. Oh well. It's still funny! :)
babygirl0232 8
Its because you said it wrong.
OlgaCornmuffin 7
lol. I better make sure I do my homework before I post then. Lol. :D
LovesSushi 25
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Let's hope he has yet to meet the person, and it has all just been over the phone. You could still salvage your marriage, if you wanted to.
alliewillie 22
Yes, because phone sex is just fine as long as they haven't met. Right? Wrong.
cieloalicia 16
It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating is cheating. She'd be a pushover to let this slip.
LovesSushi 25
He could have even called a phone sex line. Maybe he has an addiction that needs addressed. Im just saying that if she wants to save her marriage, at least she won't be rising about stds or imagining him actually having sex with another woman
OlgaCornmuffin 7
Don't knock it till you tried it, people. Flo from Progressive really gets me fired up, especially in random rain storms on the side of the road. rawr!
karlcolt45 19
now you got me wanting to shop for insurance... ohhhh yeah
Sandman366 6
We make a great pair. "Huh?" Progressive and the outdoors! We make a great pair. "Uhh, yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking."
OlgaCornmuffin 7
@21: now every time you shop for insurance, you gotta play some Barry White.
Jechtael 10
My ex was an Allstate girl. Unfortunately for her, the deep voice did it for me ; ) OP: Either you've got a cheater with a great sense of humor, a husband with a disturbing relationship with his insurance, or a great sense of humor and possibly no husband at all. Whatever the case, favorited!
Hamz1989 13
You should ask what Jake from state farm is wearing.
tgod2013 5
Blue shirt and beige khakis .. Duh
LovesSushi 25
Red shirt
PandaKitteh 20
"Uhh... Khakis?.-."
xelle_garfieldx 12
#12- we're not in best buy.
xr0517 10
call back and try if it makes him 'hard'
vadaaa 11
This makes no sense, please try again.
gman90210 18
Well she ( his wife ) couldn't or won't make him hard so what. She won't cause she probably the one with at two other guys