Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML
Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML
Today, my girlfriend teased me by asking if I wanted to fuck her best friend in the ass. Obviously it was a joke, but now I can't stop thinking about it and I know it will never happen. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend why my new package of condoms was open. When she failed to change the subject, she responded with, “This is why you’re a depressive crybaby who’ll die alone!” The fight ended with me proposing. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML
Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML
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Top comments
bushyyboy 11
Don't ask if you can't handle the truth there big guy?
Amama_fml 30
Don't you mean Little Guy?
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Comments (93)
bushyyboy 11
Don't ask if you can't handle the truth there big guy?
Amama_fml 30
Don't you mean Little Guy?
Telescope 1
I'd be more worried about the amazon delivery guy's "package"
MrBrightside21 20
1 - In the wise words of Jack Nicholson and my doctor when I asked about my STD results, "You can't handle the truth!"
7yzz 18
I'll take the lie!
jessiemc09 1
lmfao
sens3sfailing 24
I will never understand why people feel the need to comment lol or lmfao. I mean c'mon...really?
XxDevilxXGt 26
They don't know how to properly comment in threads is my guess. Maybe they think it's the same as live chat or texting. They have yet to master the vast lands of all the Internets.
mrperspire 4
Just wait til she asks if she looks fat or her butt looks to big. You now have a response.
7yzz 18
Actually, the cake is full of refined sugar/carbs, so I threw it out.
FastidiousPear 6
Jack Nicholson knows about your STD results 38? Cool!
Smokingweenies 3
87 - We should just go cakeless.
fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22
Well guys hate it when their girlfriend asks them if they put on weight and then get upset with their answer. Works in both directions.
7yzz 18
Not really, girls can lose the weight easily. There not much that those poor dudes with small ones can do about their little buddies.
zero4life123 7
Well at least she is honest.
gribbles 12
Every guy knows if he's big or not. Why ask if you're not?!
rgriff27 19
Because he is one of those annoying people who fish for compliments.
OOHRAAAHAMERICA 1
HEY ADMIN COME GET ME, OOOORAAAAH AMERICA
sig4life 18
She wouldn't want him to be honest when she asks the inevitable "does this make me look fat?"
alice_18 16
Yes she would, because she doesn't want to look awful in front of everyone.
Catkam623 27
The question is not big, but big enough?
Damian95 16
At least the reply wasn't too short!
FailBear920 19
A small dagger in the hands of a well trained ninja is still a deadly weapon!
Clioo_fml 17
Yes exactly. It's not the size of the weapon, but the skill of the warrior!
sens3sfailing 24
It's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean
BlueFlatts 20
A ninja has full control of his dagger, however I can not control the motion of the ocean. So is this a good metaphor?
spiritfang11237 16
113, well since it takes two to tango you need to know how to use your own weapon well but your partner needs to contribute as well and you cannot fully control that. So yes.
GoodluckElly 13
#59 your picture makes that comment so hilarious. imagining that grandma saying that, priceless haha
Cbizzlez 10
But it takes a long time to "get there" in a tug boat
Catkam623 27
Don't we all know if she asks"is it in yet?" You have a problem.
ErictheRed 5
And exactly how many out there are highly trained? At least there is a school for ninjas. Little daggers got no hope.
dalink 24
Innuendo overkill.
sig4life 18
She is still with him, so he must be doing something right with it.
kumonsucks 7
Someones gonna need a care package, make your arsenal bigger ;)
WearingHats 14
Hopefully he'll get a predator missile.
Eluveitie 9
Hopefully you two will stop with these awful Call of Duty puns.
WearingHats 14
Let us pun in peace.
Cartera 10
Looks like his penis needs FMJ because it can't seem to penetrate.
kumonsucks 7
Yes yes PUN ON! I'll give you a good blast from my rpg
sniken 14
After reading so many cod puns I'm surprised noone mentioned the noobtube..
BlueFlatts 20
Only a noob mentions the noobtube.
onlychildFTW 33
Call of duty is a bad game. The online is filled with annoying, high pitched, screaming 8 year olds who you can make cry by beating them in the game.
Eluveitie 9
57, if you're gonna thread-jack, do it on a better comment. Thread jacking this post is like commondeering the short-bus.
theunbeatableram 3
Hmmm can't think of any puns.
S182 15
If you asked her jokingly, perhaps she answered jokingly... It made me laugh, just a "little".
CueTheMusic 22
Don't ask the question if you don't wanna hear the answer buddy.
ThatPlankton 15
Well she's still your girlfriend, so I guess size doesn't really matter now does it?
sexxxysydney 14
It's not the size of the ship that matters, it's the motion of the ocean(;
sexxxysydney 14
However, it is pretty hard to get to England in a sailboat..
Zebediabolical 43
They did it for hundreds of years. It just takes longer!
Codezlol 21
I might not hit the bottom but imma **** the shit out of the sides! I don't know where I know that from it was just the first thing that popped into my head haha.
Dinderdon 20
It's not the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean, it's whether or not he can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off
Enslaved 36
It's not how big your pencil is; it's how you write your name.
PandaKitteh 20
Or if he can get into the port at all... -moustache twirl-
KB616 11
You actually made me lol
NothernNightmare 18
As long as you can put it to use!
Pleonasm 35
When in doubt, measure and compare to national averages to get a completely honest result without having to get mad at anyone but your sexual development and genetic predispositions.
TheDrifter 23
Perhaps he thought the three fingers measurement was for penis length and not scotch on the rocks?
Zebediabolical 43
Why would you taint scotch with ice?
TheDrifter 23
Not sure, but I'm told it's traditional. I prefer cheap rye whiskey myself.
BlueFlatts 20
Nowadays they have cold rocks instead of ice cubes. Stylish and creative.