Animals: Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came... - FML

By dwood08 - 07/11/2014 01:55 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 016

You deserved it 15 913

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Same thing different taste

By Galaxy - 29/03/2014 17:03 - Belgium - Guigoven

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 492

You deserved it 7 306

By SURPRISE - 10/06/2009 00:13 - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 615

You deserved it 6 819

By Screwed - 07/08/2009 23:35 - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 195

You deserved it 4 342

By Anonymous - 03/05/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 920

You deserved it 1 278

By Ruinedchristmas - 28/11/2014 18:07 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 572

You deserved it 13 905

Heavy sleeper

By good_aim - 27/07/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 296

You deserved it 26 888

By syn1734 - 16/10/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me "she has a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So, I hurried home only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 137

You deserved it 3 423

By hunting7waves - 25/09/2015 05:31 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 716

You deserved it 1 892

By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 099

You deserved it 4 455

By Desertdryspell - 20/12/2018 14:00

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 229

Next

Top comments

am_bugg 20

Friday 7 November 2014 12:21

Hmmm sex or a new puppy is equally as satisfying in my opinion.

ladoom 23

Friday 7 November 2014 12:24

Who complains about getting a puppy?

Comments

adamjcurryy 19

Friday 7 November 2014 12:34

Cat > Sex

SnowKitten 14

Friday 7 November 2014 13:38

What does a cat have to do with this? Lol

dabomb0513 10

Friday 7 November 2014 19:44

F cats. Just a lame fad

stolenballoon 5

Friday 7 November 2014 12:43

I don't see the problem in this situation. YOU GOT A PUPPY!

feven 32

Friday 7 November 2014 12:46

Wow that's pretty sad

itwontvalidate 18

Friday 7 November 2014 12:55

what's the matter with you, a puppy is the best surprise ever

DewIchigo 17

Friday 7 November 2014 12:56

I LOVE PUPPIES!

Neopopulas 9

Friday 7 November 2014 13:09

Dude, you can have sex any time, but you can't always have a puppy.

Wakachulak 22

Friday 7 November 2014 13:19

Not true. Animal shelters put out anytime, wives put out only when they feel like it.

allplayedout 20

Friday 7 November 2014 21:10

Without even elaborating on the weird, rapey way you phrased that, have you ever tried adopting a shelter dog? It's about as easy as getting into Harvard.

albertozeta_fml 9

Friday 7 November 2014 13:21

Ah, ok, I thought I was the only one!

paolino_fml 18

Friday 7 November 2014 13:24

Sex with the new puppy??? Haha just kidding that's ******* ********** don't do it.

brand125 17

Friday 7 November 2014 19:41

the ****

Hiimhaileypotter 52

Friday 7 November 2014 19:43

Why would you even feel a slight need to make that comment?

cmo333 10

Friday 7 November 2014 13:44

I would want a puppy...

nandybear 19

Friday 7 November 2014 13:46

I'd rather get a puppy

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The Top

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 905

You deserved it 74 253

Today, my daughter got her first period, so I went and got some products for her, certain that I knew what was needed. The lady cashier took one look in my basket and sympathetically asked if it was my daughter's first period and if I wanted help, since I clearly had no idea what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 222

The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 586

You deserved it 10 027

Today, I had the pleasure of listening to my mom tell me about how her and my dad's weight loss has helped them get more into it when they're being intimate. Suddenly I wish my parents were fat again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 284

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 780

You deserved it 46 300

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 142

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 141

You deserved it 36 571

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 697

You deserved it 5 954